If you’ve noticed a shift in your desire for intimacy in midlife, you’re not alone—and it’s not simply a hormone problem. In this episode of The Dr. Brighten Show, Dr. Jolene Brighten sits down with relationship and intimacy expert Emily Morse for a candid, clinically grounded conversation about why so many women experience changes in connection, closeness, and physical responsiveness during perimenopause.
Rather than defaulting to the oversimplified explanation that estrogen decline is to blame, this discussion explores the deeper drivers of desire: stress physiology, sleep disruption, emotional safety, relationship dynamics, and nervous system overload. For many women, perimenopause becomes the moment when long-standing issues around intimacy finally surface—not because something broke, but because the body and brain are no longer willing to override unmet needs.
In this episode, you’ll learn why desire is not a switch you flip, why fixing hormones alone often isn’t enough, and how midlife can become a powerful turning point toward more fulfilling connection—if you understand what your body is actually asking for.
Why Women Experience a Loss of Desire and Intimacy in Perimenopause
Nearly half of women in perimenopause report a noticeable drop in desire for intimacy, yet this change is frequently misunderstood. What’s often framed as a personal failure or inevitable aging process is, in reality, a complex interaction between biology, psychology, and lived experience.
In this episode, Dr. Brighten and Emily Morse unpack the patterns women consistently report in midlife—many of which were present long before perimenopause but became impossible to ignore once hormonal resilience declined.
Here’s what you’ll discover in this conversation:
- Nearly half of women in perimenopause report reduced desire, yet hormones are only one contributor
- Why estrogen changes do not automatically eliminate interest in intimacy
- How the brain—not the ovaries—is the primary driver of desire
- Why chronic stress suppresses physical responsiveness by design
- How disrupted sleep quietly erodes motivation for connection
- The role of emotional safety and trust in sustaining intimacy
- Why resentment and emotional distance often show up as “low desire”
- How nervous system overload blocks pleasure and closeness
- Why many women realize in midlife that intimacy never truly worked for them before
- The hidden cost of goal-oriented intimacy in long-term relationships
- Why saying “not now” is frequently misinterpreted as rejection
- How planned connection can feel safer and more fulfilling than spontaneity
- Why non-goal-based touch rebuilds trust and closeness
- How midlife becomes a reckoning point for unmet emotional needs
Taken together, these insights reframe desire not as something broken—but as valuable feedback from the body, brain, and relationship environment.
The Brain, Hormones, and Emotional Connection: What Really Drives Desire in Midlife
One of the most important themes in this episode is that desire for intimacy does not begin with hormones alone. While hormonal changes influence comfort and physical readiness, desire itself originates in the brain.
Emily Morse explains that hormones act more like fuel than an engine. The engine is the nervous system—specifically whether it perceives safety, connection, and enough capacity for pleasure. When stress hormones dominate, the brain deprioritizes intimacy. This isn’t dysfunction; it’s survival physiology doing exactly what it’s designed to do.
Perimenopause often intensifies this dynamic. Women become more stress-sensitive, sleep becomes more fragile, and emotional load accumulates. Even when hormone therapy improves physical symptoms, unresolved stress, emotional disconnection, or long-standing relationship strain can continue to suppress desire.
Another key insight explored in the episode is that many women reach midlife realizing they were never experiencing deeply fulfilling intimacy to begin with. When connection has been performative, rushed, or centered around external expectations, the body eventually disengages. Perimenopause doesn’t cause this—it reveals it.
Rather than asking, “What’s wrong with me?” the more useful question becomes: What does my body need to feel safe, connected, and open to closeness right now?
This reframing allows women to approach intimacy with curiosity instead of shame—and to recognize that desire is responsive, contextual, and deeply tied to nervous system health.
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Links Mentioned in This Episode
- Emily Morse’s Instagram: @sexwithemily
- Emily Morse’s Tik Tok: @sexwithemily
- Emily Morse’s Youtube: @sexwithemily
- Emily Morse’s Website: sexwithemily.com
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Fatigue, low motivation, trouble building muscle, or feeling disconnected from your drive? This episode breaks down what low testosterone really looks like in women—and why it’s often missed or misunderstood. You’ll learn the most common causes of low testosterone, the nutrients and lifestyle factors that support healthy levels, and evidence-based ways to restore balance naturally—without turning to aggressive or inappropriate therapies.
How to improve libido & what is the meaning of libido
If you’ve been told your libido is “just hormones,” this episode offers a much deeper, and more accurate, explanation. We unpack what libido actually is, why it changes across life stages, and how stress, sleep, emotional connection, and brain chemistry all play a role. You’ll walk away with a clearer understanding of desire and practical ways to support it—without shame, pressure, or oversimplified advice.
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Frequently Asked Questions About Desire, Intimacy, and Perimenopause
Changes in desire are influenced by hormonal shifts, increased stress sensitivity, sleep disruption, emotional labor, and nervous system overload—not hormones alone.
No. While estrogen changes can affect physical comfort, desire is primarily driven by the brain and nervous system. Many women with lower estrogen still experience strong interest in intimacy when stress and emotional factors are addressed.
Hormone therapy may improve physical symptoms, but desire also depends on emotional safety, nervous system regulation, and relationship dynamics.
Stress activates survival hormones that suppress pleasure and connection. When the nervous system feels unsafe or overwhelmed, desire naturally declines.
For many couples, intentional time for closeness reduces pressure, builds anticipation, and supports emotional and nervous system regulation.
Yes. Hormonal transitions, chronic stress, and exhaustion can all reduce body awareness and physical responsiveness. This is common and reversible with the right support.
Midlife often brings clarity. Many women recognize that their emotional and physical needs have gone unmet for years and decide they can no longer ignore them.
Absolutely. When women address hormones alongside stress, emotional connection, and nervous system health, many report deeper, more satisfying intimacy than earlier in life.
Transcript
Emily Morse: [00:00:00] It. 'cause I love, you know,
Dr. Brighten: I love you, love Skyler, the whole thing. It sounded like a really fun opportunity.
Yeah. But we'll do it again. We'll do it at some point. So, uh, we jump right into questions. There's a trailer that does your whole bio before we. Before the episode airs and then if you mess up or anything and you wanna start over, we're not live.
Okay. It's super forgiving. Can so are you just waist up or when you get in here? No, it's everything. Okay. But if you want a crisscross, like I would be sitting like crisscross in the chair if my And more crisscross
person or like this person. Or is that
Emily Morse: okay
Dr. Brighten: with the shoes?
Emily Morse: Should I take off my shoes? I think you're fine.
Uh, I've seen Jeff think have people in the chair all kinds of ways, so Really? Yeah. That sounds very, that's okay. That's funny. I'm like, all kinds of ways. I'm like, well, yeah, but no, I would fully be if my knee would cooperate. Right. I always sit crisscross. I know me too, and put my legs up and I'm like, this is so frustrating.
I have like three positions I can be in. Are you in
Dr. Brighten: pain? Adjust this 'cause your head's a little higher than it was before.
Uh oh, [00:01:00] my pain. Are you in pain? Um, yeah. It's very interesting 'cause when they go in there, they have to basically flood it to expand the joint to get the piece out. And that means all the synovial fluid goes away.
So right now it's just like bone on bone. And so unfortunately there's no pain meds for that. I had like really good pain meds. No. And then he, the doctor's like. You're just gonna be in pain for three to six weeks and you have to keep moving. And yeah, he's like, this is a no pain, no game situation. Okay.
I'm like, okay. I'm like, I can do three to six weeks. I can do anything for three to six weeks, but,
okay. Okay. Well that's great that you still are doing this and able to like show up for it. Yeah, well that's also what I be pusy. I don't think I'd be able to show, but paint I might move again. I don't know.
That's totally fine. I'm just, yeah. Okay. There.
If you move 20 times, you'll be on brand This for the Dr. Brayton Show. 'cause literally I am like always all over the place too. We good? Yeah. Everyth mean it's recording. Whenever you're ready. Cool. Thank you. Okay. About half of women in perimenopause report [00:02:00] a drop in libido.
What's the real reason women stop wanting sex midwife life? I'm gonna do that again. Okay. I said midwife. And
before you go again. Uh, do you need me to stop right at four? Do you need help? No. I just feel like you can, do you mind if I have my phone? Let me just tell people I, and I knew, I thought it might go over a little bit.
I just had this crazy, like 10 people coming down today that I didn't wear and some family stuff. So let me just, um, um. Let me just, and I won't say midwife like we're having babies. I was like, what is that word you just said? Wait, let me just text. No, I mean, I don't wanna, I mean, I don't wanna cut this short, like that was such a funny thing to happen upstairs.
That's really funny. I know. Let me just, um, and your questions are, and I might need to look at my, okay. Um, okay. Let me just text them. No, I think, how about like four 15 or four 10? Yeah. How long do you usually go? Yeah, I know it's 3 23. Okay. I know. [00:03:00] Fuck, I'm sorry. Okay. Okay. Here. Oh, you can stick it behind.
I might need to look at up. I'm telling you, I've been on a little hiatus for a while, so my brain is this sharp. It's okay. All
Emily Morse: right.
Dr. Brighten: My brain is less
Emily Morse: sharp. We'll just say that we're okay. It's okay. We had somebody who was like in a major perimenopause brain fog on the episode and she was like,
I need to pause.
I'm like, yeah, we did a lot of that. I'm on, so I've got so many things going. I get some. It's been interesting. I wish we could just talk and hang out. We will get together maybe next time you're here and we'll like have dinner or something. I would love that.
Okay. You ready? You ready? About half of women in perimenopause report a drop in their libido.
What's the real reason women stop wanting
sex midlife? Well, that is a multi multilayered answer because there are so many different things going on. It's not as simple as like, oh, my hormones dropped. You know, get me on HRT, everything's gonna be better.
Mm-hmm.
Hormones are part of the equation for sure, but it's.
Also, you know, our lifestyle, our, our [00:04:00] brain's the largest sex organ, basically. So how is our, wait, let me start over too, because I'm not, yeah. Okay. You were on a roll. It was a great, actually I was, it was great. Okay, good. I'm just overthinking it. Ask me that or I could just answer it. So, so listen, so, um.
When with, when there's a drop in perimenopause, first thing women turn to is, oh, it must be hormones. I gotta get my hormones fixed and then my libido's gonna get back, get back to where it was. But I often go deeper and I say, okay, really? So how was it before perimenopause? How was it after you had kids after childbirth?
Was it really that great in your twenties? So I'm just gonna land on the plane here and say, I think that for a lot of women. Sex has always been really challenging and libido and desire and arousal have gone up and down. And then in perimenopause is when they're like, really maybe have the time and space to take a look at it.
And while hormone is part of it, part of the factor, it's also relational. Do we feel safe in our relationship? Do we feel connected in our relationship? Do we have resentments that it build up? So, so really there's a lot of different things going on, uh, during period of menopause. [00:05:00] I think it's hormones and relational.
Mm-hmm. Well, I appreciate you saying that because I think so often, especially now, we see like hormone therapy is getting like all the, the airtime, right. People often default to, if I have a libido problem, it's a hormone problem, all I have to do is use hormones and that fixes the problem clinically. I don't see that to be true because often relationship issues can develop from that.
Mm-hmm. Or they were contributing and tipping the scales on the hormone issues.
Dr. Brighten: Yes, yes, absolutely. So I think that, I think at this time of life, we can look at like HRT, we know, listen, this is how we know if you're having arousal challenges. Maybe it's lubrication issues. Sleep night sweats, all those things, you are like, that is hormonal, but if you don't feel safe, you have resentments for your partner.
There's been some communication issues and things have built up over time. It's, we always have to look at everything. That's why in my last book, smart Sex, I talked about sexual intelligence and I developed these five pillars of sex iq and that's why you really have to look at, it's a lot of [00:06:00] things, you know, do I feel embodied during sex?
Am I present or am I thinking about the laundry? Then you think about health and that's where hormones come into play and you know. Blood flow. Are we moving our bodies? Are we eating foods that make us feel good? You know, there's also, um. I mean, I can go through all of them, but I don't have to go through all of them right now.
But the point is, there's like, do I feel self-knowledge? How well do I know myself? Do I know what time of day I get turned on? Do I accept my body for where it is right now? Or do I, you know, have a lot of shame around my body? And then there's how well do I actually communicate about my sex life? So it's never just one thing.
And what I love is at this time of life, I think it's when women maybe have the times. Space and energy to really look at it. Or they're thinking, you know, I have to do something. So if they start with hormones and they realize there's a lot of other things going on, that's, that's, that's important. It's time to take a look at everything.
All these areas of our life contribute to us having a healthy sex. Mm-hmm.
Emily Morse: Women will say, not now. Men then say, you're punishing me. [00:07:00] What can couples do to navigate this scenario and this low libido, which maybe not even be actually a low libido, but this disconnect when it comes to sex?
Dr. Brighten: Okay, well, first we have to stop saying that just because I don't want sex.
I'm rejecting you. Mm. So we say no, and then our partner feels bad, and then we get into a loop. I think we have to learn to say to our partner, I'm not in the mood for sex right now, but here's why. What's. Going on. I actually feel like I need some connection right now. Could we hold hands? Can we have an intimate conversation?
Can we go for a walk? You know, I'm actually going, or even just saying like, honestly, like I don't know what's going on with my libido right now and my arousal. I'm not really feeling it, but it's not about you. It's just more about really it's stuff that I'm so not that I'm going through. How can we find ways to connect?
Mm-hmm. I think that when it comes into just, we say like a blanket, no, our partner feels bad and just gets into this. Cycle where we have to just be really clear about what's going on and bring our partner into it.
Emily Morse: So that sounds easier said than done for a lot of people though. Yes. So how do you actually have that conversation?
Dr. Brighten: So the first thing [00:08:00] is you say. Okay. I mean, this is, you know, I always say communication is a lubrication. And it's really the more we get comfortable talking about sex, it's gonna help our sex life. We're gonna have such better sex, better communication, better everything. And so it is not easy to talk about sex, I will say that.
Mm-hmm. But just starting with, hey, I really want us to be great lovers to each other. I love our relationship. Um. I want us to feel intimate and connected. And so right now, you know, I'm working, I'm in perimenopause and I'm trying to figure out, I'm troubleshooting right now. You know, I've gone to my doctor and I figure out hormones, but I also am just not feeling, I'm not feeling it right now.
And so I need you to work with it. Let's work together and what might, you know, make. Both feel in the mood and be great lovers to each other. And so I think this is when we have to really get curious. First of all, we're asking for compassion, understanding, and curiosity. So if I think, for example, for me, if I'm not feeling, you know, desire, I get curious.
[00:09:00] I run through my five pillars of sex iq and I'm like, okay, I'm feeling pretty embodied. I went to yoga, I did some breath work. My hormones seem to be on point. I work out a lot. Huh? You know, I'm actually not, I haven't really, I'm having some resentments with my partner. I actually haven't talked to him lately because I just found out, you know.
I mean that maybe they were, you know, that they, I haven't really feel like they've been there for me. They've been traveling a lot. Mm-hmm. I'm feeling really distant. So we have to troubleshoot. We are responsible for our own pleasure, so we have to troubleshoot our own sex life. So really I have to think, what do I actually need right now to feel safe, connected, and turned on?
And we get to do that together. So while it's easier said than done, it's. It's never been a quick switch to turn on our sex life. I think that there's so many problems with thinking I should just be aroused, turned on and ready to go, or it doesn't work like that for 99.9% of people. Mm-hmm. Especially women.
Emily Morse: So I wanna play two truths and a lie. Okay? Okay. I'm going to make these three statements and then we'll give people a chance to comment and then we'll come back to him and you'll tell us, which is a lie. So, [00:10:00] firstly. Your brain is your biggest sex organ. Second, estrogen decline automatically kills libido.
Third, scheduling intimacy makes sex less exciting. So everybody who's listening, I want you to go to YouTube, comment to us, which one is the lie will be drawing a winner for the people who get it right. And while you guys are doing that, I want to ask you, can you explain the brain hormone desire connection for women?
Especially in perimenopause. Yes. Because we're often told, again, it's just a hormone thing, but there is a brain hormone desire connection going on.
Dr. Brighten: Yeah. Well, our brain is the largest sex organ, meaning that our brain is really the, our brain is. The, the engine, our brain is the, the, where everything starts.
Our desire starts and think about the hormones being the fuel. Hormones are the fuel to our desire, but everything's gonna start in our brain. Our desiring our want to want to have sex and the hormones are just like a supporting role in that. I mean, [00:11:00] we have a huge role in it, but they're not everything.
So with. With that said, it's like, again, our brains are about, you know, the desire. Has there been anything going on in my life that's keeping it so relationally? Do I feel safe in my relationship? Um, do I, we have to like troubleshoot it. But then hormones again, you can immediately tell it's a hormone issue again, with libido, with, um, with lubrication with.
Arousal. Am I feeling wet? Am I feeling aroused? Am I feeling turned on? And with, um, yeah, like if we've got night sweats, these are all the ways that we can, you know this with hormones, but I think that with the desire, just understanding what is my, like what we're getting curious, what do I actually need to be turned on in this situation?
And you can even work backwards. What's worked for me in the past? What do I know about myself? I know if I haven't been moving my body, if I haven't been eating foods that make me feel good, if I haven't been communicating with my partner again, we always have to like troubleshoot those things. So yeah.
Well, if the
Emily Morse: brain is primary sex organ, [00:12:00] I think it's important for people to understand that sleep, stress, emotions can all impact, desire. Can you say more about that? Yes.
Dr. Brighten: So thank you, sleep. Um, yeah, I have all of this written. I mean, I literally answered all these questions. Sorry, Jolene. I'm like, I'm No, you don't.
Fine. I feel like I'm not, I'm not, I'm not being as like, clear as I want to be. That's okay. I think you're doing great. I know, but I had all those things, um, written out here. Um.
Emily Morse: SI
Dr. Brighten: had,
Emily Morse: I also ask in a little bit, in a different way. No, it's amazing on the, but you asked me
Dr. Brighten: these, you sent me these specific questions and I realized I didn't even mention which are the huge parts of it.
I think I'm just, um. Okay, so ask me that part again. Sleep. So, so what we have to understand is all of these factors contribute. So, so sleep, stress, sorry, say it again. Just so that sleep, stress, emotional load. Yeah, so, so all these things are continually to [00:13:00] impact our desire. Sleep, stress, emotional load. If we're not getting sleep, if our sleep is disrupted, it's gonna be really hard to feel like turned on and ready when we're exhausted all the time.
If we have stress, we have a spike. Our anxiety, which a lot of us do, we have a spike in cortisol that can't live in the same place as our pleasure and our desire, and they literally cancel each other out. So you have a sping cortisol and then you have a drop in in, in the. The desire in our dopamine oxytocin, like it's just really hard to feel really aroused and turned on when everything else feels, when we're, when we're stressed, it overrides it completely.
Mm-hmm. So I think we can't, I call 'em the pleasure thieves. It's stress, trauma, and shame and stress is one of the biggest factors of our, of killing our libido. So we have to deal with all of that first. So all of that's gonna also impact, um, arousal and make it really hard. And a lot of us are running on very stressed right now, and we're wondering why we don't wanna have sex.
Let's deal with the stress. The anxiety. I love 'em. Pleasure themes. Yes. It's so perfect. 'cause they are [00:14:00] 'cause they're sneaky too. They're sneaky. They're so sneaky. Yeah. I mean, think about it though. We are like wondering why we're stressed all the time. We're anxious. Like, like I said, it can't live in the same place.
Vi cortisol, you can't even risk. Receive pleasure. Like I hear from women all the time, like I don't even know that my partner's touching me. I didn't feel it. I didn't even see 'em walk in the room because I'm so stressed, because I'm so anxious. And then if we have trauma too, like they are the ple, these are all the things like trauma, big t, trauma, a little too trauma.
It lives in our body, it lives in our nervous system. If our nervous system is justed, also really hard to experience. Pleasure and arousal and then shame. I mean, shame is a, you know, shame is a sneaky one too. Mm-hmm. Shame says, you know, I'm a bad person. I did something wrong. Not just shame is like, I am bad.
And then we have the guilt that says, you know, maybe I did something bad, but shame is if someone shamed us about our body, or we grew up in a culture that we thought that sex wasn't really accepted that. And we just feel bad that we're not like a sexual as we used to be. All of these things get in the way.
And so [00:15:00] that's why when they think like hormone, just a quick fix, we have to look at all these other factors 'cause it, you could be on the most perfect cocktail of hormones, but if you have these sneaky pleasure thieves, it's gonna be just. A challenge to feel like you are, you know, aroused, turned on and ready for pleasure.
Emily Morse: Mm-hmm. And I think it's so important, as we've been talking about in the framework of perimenopause women, to understand that these hormonal changes can also make you more susceptible to stress, make it harder for you to sleep. And the result of all of that can be feeling shame because now you're like, I'm not in the mood.
I can't please my partner. I can't please myself. And they can all be all of these layers that stack against you. And again, this is why we can't just give you hormones and be like, poof, it all went away because. These underlying issues. Even if you, your sleep does get better, maybe the stress, the relationship dynamic or the way you feel about yourself
Dr. Brighten: is still there.
Absolutely. We have to look at the entire, the entire factor. All of those matter. All of those matter when [00:16:00] it comes to our relationships and, and I think that again, in this time of life, we're really ready to examine them, but a lot of them have been going around for have, they've been present for a long time, but now we're just.
We're just like, I'm done with this. I have to figure out what to do to be in a healthy relationship. That's so true. Yeah.
Emily Morse: So let's go back. You're gonna tell me true or false, true truths and a lie. Okay. So first one, your brain is your biggest sex organ. True. True. Number two, estrogen decline automatically kills libido.
Not true. Okay, tell us why it's not true.
Dr. Brighten: Well, because our estrogen, estrogen, there's a lot of things that happen when your estrogen declines. You know, we notice like, you know, um, maybe we're drier, less lubrication, it can affect our sleep. All of that is, is our symptoms, but it's not gonna directly impact your libido.
It's about all these other factors that we're talking about. There's a lot of other things going on. So just because if you got your test taken and you realize you have this dip, it doesn't mean that your sex life is doomed. Okay,
Emily Morse: so that was our, that was our lie. So, third one, what we know is true. I still would [00:17:00] like to unpack it.
So, scheduling intimacy makes sex less exciting.
Dr. Brighten: Oh God, this is, this is also not true. Scheduling sex can actually be the, the antidote to much of what challenges people around sex, because so many couples are like, well, I want it to be spontaneous and exciting and new and novel. I want, that's gonna make great sex.
However, how often does that really happen? Mm-hmm. So when you schedule sex, then you know, I've anchored it. I know that this is the night that we're gonna be intimate. We know that every Saturday night or next Saturday night, I don't like to put like an every, I don't like to put a timeframe on couples, like you have to have sex every night this time, but if you find one time a week where, or one time how often you need sex, that works for you, then couples are like, okay, we know that it's Saturday night.
We've got time to think about that. What do I need to make sure that I'm aroused and connected with my partner on that time? So we work backwards. Again. For me, it's like. Is the house clean? Are the sheets clean? Do the kids have a sitter? [00:18:00] Um, do I feel good in my body? Am I eating foods that make me feel good?
Like there's so many other factors. I think that we just think that we to flip a switch and our sex is gonna be amazing. No. So scheduling sex gives us time to sort of make sure that we're both prepared and ready for sex. And again, I wanna say this. It's so important that sex isn't just about penetration because maybe you've found in this stage of life that sex is more about intimacy and connection.
Maybe it's a time where you're giving each other massages or you're, you are spending some time together, you're cuddling, you are doing like non-sexual touch. I just want to. Emphasize it for so long and for so many women, sex never worked for them because it was centered on penetration and they're thinking that's how I should feel the best and that's how I should have orgasms and that's how I should be aroused with.
It's just not the case. Mm-hmm. A lot of couples are craving connection, a deeper connection. And intimacy, but not in the way that we just defined by sex. So however, whatever you schedule, maybe it's your intimate night where you put the phone away, it's just [00:19:00] about connection. It's about getting out the massage table, hiring masseuse, figuring out how to touch each other.
It might be about that, but it's just a special night. That's for the two of you to connect again in ways that you haven't been able to other times. Who should consider scheduling their intimate time? Um, couples who find that. They don't have time. That doesn't happen. They want it to happen. It's not happening.
They're exhausted all the time. I mean, this is what I wanna say too, for couples who are like, it never happens. 'cause it used to always happen in the evenings. Well, maybe that's not your time. Like we have to be able to pivot and troubleshoot. Yeah. I'm exhausted like I was eating with my last partner, I would say, you know what, if you get in bed.
Saturday night's at 10 o'clock and I'm already in bed, like, it's not gonna happen. Like guaranteed. Like don't, it's, I, I'm, if I'm in bed already and the lights are off or the project are off, it's not gonna happen. So just couples who realize that like, it's just hasn't been working. We desperately wanna connect, we wanna have sex, but we haven't been able to find the time.
So I think the majority of couples could stand for whether it's scheduled or just having a conversation about [00:20:00] when is the best time of day for us to have sex, when do we feel the most? Turned on what times of day, what times of month, what times of the week. I mean, this is like one area of our life, we just don't really think about everything else.
We like, think about, we wanna be healthy, we wanna work out, we know what workouts we like, what times of day, the equipment we need to be ready for that workout or to feel healthy. What's the foods we need to eat? We make sure we have those foods in our home prepared. But with sex, we just kind of close our eyes and hope for the best.
I hope we kind of figure it out. So I would say most couples could stand for a little bit more planning. Around their sex life. A little bit more intentionality and more curiosity and compassion.
Emily Morse: Yeah. And I appreciate you saying like, what time of day? Because there's often people think there's a formula of like, we have to go out, we have dinner, we have dessert, like it's the date night, then we go home, we have sex.
And a lot of people actually find that that doesn't work for them. Yeah. And they're like, actually. Sitter shows up, we have sex, then we get dressed and I'm [00:21:00] like, that's a great formula because expend the energy now you're hungry. Go eat the dinner then. But exactly finding what works for you instead. I'm interested, um, you had said you don't like to give like a number of the times that someone should be having sex, but there are people out there who say a healthy couple should have sex three times a week.
Is there any truth to that?
Dr. Brighten: Um, no, I, the way you take a breath, you're like, I'm angry at the one they just said, I'm angry at it. No, I was actually gonna say something that PI was gonna say winner, winner sex before dinner for couples to remember that because I did a podcast about that, that winner. So just remember that winner, winner sex before you go to dinner.
Um, but the, but honestly. No, God. Think about, that's another item on your to-do list now. Mm-hmm. Have we had sex three times? Have, what does my aura ring say? Like what? No, it just puts so much pressure on couples. I think that each individual, each relationship gets to decide. The two people in that relationship get to [00:22:00] decide how many times a week, how many times a week feels good for them.
What I found in most couples, the most common question I've been asked in the 20 years I've been doing this since I've had the podcast and doing the show is that people. Um, usually there's one couple that has a high desire and one couple that has a low desire. So there's a higher desire partner and the lower desire partner, and it's the lower desire partner that actually has more of the power in the relationship 'cause they're the one that's deciding when the sex is gonna happen.
So for these two people, and that's how most relationships are. I'm sorry to say that it's usually it's not too high desires and too low desire. If it was too high desires, would you leave your house? Though you would never leave your house and you wouldn't be tuning into this conversation. So just know you are not broken.
There's nothing wrong with you that most couples have to navigate this. So if it's like I'm the high desire, I'm like, I want it every day, but you're lower and you're like, ah, maybe once a week, well then we have to think about it. Well, maybe it's, you know. Once a week for now or twice a week, we have to figure out what that looks like, but to say, and then figure out, understand [00:23:00] what works for us, when it works for us, and so to prescribe this like rigid three times a week or one time a week, I think it just doesn't work for most people.
I think you have to decide what times a day feels good to us. When you say you want it every day and we know that's not gonna happen, what could we do so we feel more connected? Mm-hmm. Again, I think a lot of times we think it's about the sex. It's really about intimacy and connection. And if your partner desires an orgasm, let's say seven days a week, well then maybe there's something they could do for themself if it's really about, I just need to have an orgasm.
You know, listen, self, self pleasure is a, is a beautiful thing. Solo sex, I love it. You know, you could take care of yourself, but in the relationship, figure out what a healthy sex life looks for both of you without this prescriptive, you know. You have to do it at certain times. Mm-hmm.
Emily Morse: Yeah. When you say high desire, low desire, what are the definitions around that?
Dr. Brighten: Um, yeah, great question. So higher desire I think is just the person who wants more sex than the lower desire partner. Like we know who that is. The person who's the one who's saying when sex can happen, I [00:24:00] wanna have sex more frequently than you do. So really it's just the one who. Wants it more frequently than the lower desired partner.
It's the one who wants sex more often than the partner who doesn't. But again, I'm not gonna quantify it by, well, the lower desired partner is the one who wants it once a month. That just doesn't, that doesn't. It's not gonna work. Mm-hmm. So it's the one who, usually, it's the one who is the one who's feeling more shame about it, is probably the lower desire part or the high desire part, or might be feeling shame 'cause they're asking all the time and they're getting rejected.
So these are all the ways we see to talk about it and get just really clear about it. And, and also, I. Again, I don't, I think it's pretty consistent in a relationship too. Usually it's maybe early on we want sex all the time 'cause it's new and it's novel and it's exciting. But can we just normalize the fact that after you get pregnant, you have children, you've life stressors, parents get ill, there's money issues.
Sex is gonna often take a back burn. I don't want that to happen. 'cause once it's on the back burner, it's hard to get it back. But when you asked earlier, how do couples talk about it, they talk about it like as often as they're talking about their [00:25:00] finances and how they're gonna raise the kids and how they should decorate the home and where they should go on vacation and how they're gonna prioritize their relationship.
It has to be part of the conversation. And again, I understand that we were not equipped with the skillset of talking about it or knowing how to troubleshoot it. But if you go back to sex iq, and again, I have this, I have a book on it, I have a membership, like check out the five pillars because it's a way I develop these, these scenarios so people can become their own sex experts, learn to troubleshoot.
Like is it 'cause I don't feel embodied during sex? Is it 'cause I've had some untreated trauma? Is it because I'm just not moving my body enough and so I blood flow issues and so I'm not having an orgasm or erections. Is it because I don't accept my body as it's at? Is it right now? Is it 'cause I have a lot of shame about how I look.
Um, is it, is it because, um, I don't communicate well, we just haven't talked about it. And I'm jumping to, I'm guessing that my part, you know, there's just so many, like our sex is such a bigger thing than just the old in and out. It's not about just sex positions and, [00:26:00] um, orgasm and release. It's such a, it's such a.
It's so multi-layered and it's so many things. It's intimacy, it's connection, it's understanding desire and arousal. It's just there's not a quick fix to your sex life. Mm-hmm. And so I just wanna point that home that I would, and I'm gonna go on a limb and say, most people listen to this and watching this.
Probably haven't thought about it that way. It's more like I got an erection. I didn't get erection, I had orgasm. I didn't, we did it on the top. We, we did missionary, we did doggy style. We rolled over, we watched Netflix. Like, it's just, it's, there's just so many other things going on with sex. It is our brain, it's our hormones, it's relational.
So, yeah, it's a much bigger thing. And so people could that, I don't wanna overwhelm people either. I just wanna say, you're not broken, you're not alone, but start talking about it today. Get curious. The other thing I found out, I know this is a very long answer here, but the other thing, it's a great answer.
Keep going. The other thing I found, Jolene, is that I was just gonna keep Jolene. It is fine. The other thing I was gonna say is [00:27:00] that. What I found in most relationship to do is be one person who's like, I'm gonna solve it. I'm gonna fix it. I'm gonna give it the book. I'm gonna listen to the podcast. I'm gonna bring on the sex toy, the lou, I'm gonna get into hormones and I'm gonna be the champion of our sex life.
And then there's another part who's like. Doesn't wanna talk about it. Mm-hmm. Or they're gonna come wrong for the ride, or they're blaming their partner, or they just think they shouldn't talk about it. And so it's something that you co-create. Like you co-create your sex life together. And so it's not just one on, on the woman again to say, I'm gonna get on HRT, I'm gonna lose the weight.
I'm gonna learn to feel sexy and wear the lingerie. All the things. It's so much pressure, especially on women. It just really, I don't know. I just wanna take that pressure off and say, you get to bring your partner into this fold and you get to say, babe, let's figure out now where we are today. Mm-hmm. How are we gonna become great lovers to each other at this stage of life?
Emily Morse: I think another way that pressure comes up as well is that there's this idea in society that the high desire person is always going to be a man. And so if you're [00:28:00] the low desire in a man, something's wrong with you and that low desire is always gonna be a woman. But if you're the high desire woman, then why are you like a man?
Talk. Talk us through that. Thank you for saying that.
Dr. Brighten: It's so true. That's one of those people always ask me like, what do I think everything we know about sex is basically untrue and I could like run down a million different things that we learn and we believe wholeheartedly. That was one of the first things I remember I learned when I.
In grad school, I was like, wait, what? Women don't, women don't, aren't just frigid and don't really want sex and men aren't the ones that high libidos all the time. It switches. There's so just as many women who have high libidos as men have low libidos, so that is just couldn't be further from the truth and so.
I think that we just have to normalize the fact that in all relationships it could be like different, different genders. And so it's just really about, it's really about just accepting ourselves and getting curious about it. Now I understand that maybe once it was high and now it's lower, then we get to look at like, what's actually going on.
Is it, is it hormones? Are you experiencing like the desire, but you can't actually get aroused? Like, what is it? [00:29:00] But yeah, it's um, it's certainly not true that men want. In any case, that's why I even stopped using gender for a while. I talked about sex. I stopped saying, men want this, and women want that because every time I do that, I feel like I'm putting people further into this, um, stereotype.
And it's just really keeping us from solving the, the problem at hand, which is really it's about's. Us as individuals getting curious about our own bodies and our own desire.
Emily Morse: Well, I appreciate you making that switch. 'cause I feel like Cosmos still hasn't complimented. They haven't. They haven't. They're still out there being like women, this is what all men want.
And women are like, okay, well not all women, but. Some women, the young impressionable ones like that we were 20 years ago are like, oh, okay. Like take a note. And I think you know what I'm hearing from you is what's most important is like actually ask your partner. Cosmo doesn't know. No, they don't
Dr. Brighten: know.
Get curious, talk about it. I'm telling you. It, you'll get cur once you start having these conversations. If you start tonight and you're just like, okay, you know what? I heard Dr. Emily and Dr. Jolene [00:30:00] talking about this, and I, this is, I always tell people to blame me. I'm like, just blame me and blame, like I'm giving you all tests.
I'm saying, can you go home tonight and say, I realize we've never talked about our sex life before. Um, would you be open to it? 'cause I've heard the couples that talk about sex. Actually have better sex and it's better for their longevity and their health and their overall wellness. But like, we just have to do it.
And then you'll realize that actually you actually look forward to it. It'll be like it's sunny with a chance of orgasms. Like you'll get so comfortable, you'll be like, oh, it's sunny. What's the weather like? And let's talk about our orgasm. Like, like it's, it's just that we don't see great examples of it, but it will get easier.
And then you'll realize it's actually what you have to do to get over the hump, literally. So you wanna hump more so you have better sex.
Emily Morse: You, you crack me up. I also like sunny with like a chance of orgasms. If that's how it'll be. I'll be
Dr. Brighten: like, it's sunny. Hey, pass assault. Should we have sex tonight? Like it, it won't be so shameful.
I mean, can you think of any other area that in your relationship that are in people's relationships that are harder to talk about? Maybe money, but going to the bathroom. Gonna the [00:31:00] bathroom? Yeah, that too. But
Emily Morse: why not? Everybody poops? Yeah. No, we talk about it in our relationship,
Dr. Brighten: so I'll bet you do. But not just you, but you see it's like.
Just get over. Yeah. Yeah. It's not easy, but it's gets easier over time and then you'll realize nothing's gonna change if you don't have that. You don't have to hide it from your partner. They wanna be great lovers to you. Just remember that. Yeah. They've also already seen you naked, so Yeah, really naked.
Right?
Emily Morse: They've seen you naked. Yeah. Well, let me ask you then, if you could challenge listeners to do one thing, make one change to improve their intimacy in the next seven days, what would it be? I.
Dr. Brighten: The one thing would be commit to five minutes of nonsexual touch. Oh, okay. So this could be, you are going to, so it's not about sex or like non penetrative sex.
You're just gonna, one person, you, I'm gonna ask you to switch. So for five minutes you're gonna give your partner a sho a shoulder massage. You're gonna rub their, their inner elbow, and you focus on the. The secondary, the, the other, [00:32:00] so zones, I call 'em the, um, the secondary erogenous zones, but like, just other like inner elbow name of the neck or just a massage, you're not in the purpose of getting aroused.
Just the purpose of like touching different nerve endings that feel good and then you switch and you're taking penetrative sex off the table. You're getting to, I guess I shouldn't say, hold on a minute. Let me just look at what I had written this down and now I can't think what it was. I might've said this wrong.
I was being very specific here. Let me see what I like this question. Um, uh, I might wanna answer this again, um, because I said it's non-sexual touch, but it's really, but it's five minutes of touch. Let me just go back to what I wanna say here. Let just, I got this. Okay. It's five, five minutes of touching per night.
Without the goal of having sex, it's just touching it's connection. [00:33:00] And then you switch. So I'm gonna receive for five minutes, then my partner's gonna receive for five minutes, and we're just gonna give each other a massage. We're gonna, we're gonna hug, we're gonna, we're gonna touch, but we're not gonna lead to, we're gonna take the, the old penetration off the table for seven days.
We're gonna do everything else. And we're gonna connect, but it's not gonna see, maybe it'll be longer than five minutes. But if you intentionally touch without the goal of orgasm, without the goal of penetration, couples are really gonna find that they're gonna deepen their connection, their intimacy, and they might just find out that arousal will come back and that, that desire.
But it's, but they, but they're not allowed to finish in the same old, the old in. And. Okay.
Emily Morse: All right. Well people, if you try that, let us know how it goes. Oh, so I wanna ask you, I'm gonna do go like a little rapid fire, so I'll name a problem. You give us a quick solution. I love it. So if you're exhausted by the end of the day and that's keeping you from wanting to
Dr. Brighten: have sex.
Have sex in the morning, okay. Have sex in the morning. Have sex on the weekend, find the time of day that you do wanna have sex. Doesn't have to be at night. That's another one of those myths. [00:34:00]
Emily Morse: If stress is shutting down my desire, what is the quick reset protocol?
Dr. Brighten: Quick reset protocol is to practice two minutes of breathing with your, with yourself, or your partner.
Breath changes everything. I cannot, I cannot emphasize that enough, but just take some time to breathe. Calm. It's all about nervous system regulation. Calm my nervous system.
Emily Morse: I love that. Uh, hormonal changes are making me feel disconnected from my body. What's one practice that can help?
Dr. Brighten: Um, hormone. I mean, get your, yeah, get, get your, if you, you know that it's hormones, then.
Get your hormones checked out, maybe see if you, if, if hormone replacement therapy is right for you. But also just get curious, is it really just hormones or what else is going on too?
Emily Morse: So I wanna ask you in your professional opinion, 'cause we've got a couple decades under your belt. Thousands upon thousands of people that you have talked with, 70% of divorces are initiated by women midlife.
What do you think is not being addressed in relationships that's contributing to this?
Dr. Brighten: I think women's needs are not getting met across the board. I think that women really struggle with putting [00:35:00] themselves first, asking for what they want, emotionally, relationally, sexually, um, spiritually. And so I think at this time of life.
That women are exhausted, they're tired, and maybe they're depleted by their hormones, and maybe they've had enough decades where they're like, I just really can't take it anymore. Um, and so I think that for women to say, I matter. My needs matter. I'm gonna be my own best advocate, and I'm going to ask for it.
And so the solve for this though, is I don't want to see women going through divorce this time is to, is the practice of, of self-compassion and realizing that your needs matter.
Emily Morse: Mm-hmm. For couples who are listening to this right now. And I wanna be mindful because you were like, it tends to be one person who tries to fix everything and that being the woman.
So I wanna make sure that like, both people are involved in this, but if couples are listening and they say, I wanna avoid divorce, what would you recommend they start with first?
Dr. Brighten: Um, start with. I would start with talking about your, like, talking about your sex life. Like, does it feel good to us, the times per week?
Uh, what do we need from our sex life? When do I [00:36:00] get the most aroused turned on? Have I actually had an orgasm? Do you have how many women come to me and they say, I will partner for 30 years and I've been faking my pleasure the entire time. Mm. Or um, I am curious how, how many women, like what would you, I guess I would say, I would say I, I would say that the majority of women have faked an orgasm at some point in their lives.
The majority of them, and then women who are faking it into their uh, uh, maybe 30, 40% of women. It's really common. Yeah. Because we feel shame because we look, we think at orgasms should happen during penetration, but I wanna remind women that in most of the majority of women, it's gonna happen through like, fingers, mouth, toys.
Your orgasms are not gonna happen in the way that we've been told it's gonna happen, so, mm-hmm. I just think for couples it's like prioritize intimacy, connection. Calming your nervous systems together. A lot of the stuff that we place on hormones and even our brain and stress could be, could be solved by learning to calm our nervous system, nervous system regulation, [00:37:00] breathing, exercise, movement, sound, focusing on your senses together.
Having a mindfulness practice together, even if it's just a reset where. Before we have sex, we're gonna look into each other's eyes. I mean, I know people, I always feel people are gonna cringe like, oh shoot. But honestly, there's such power in like, we're gonna look into each other's eyes for a minute, and then we're gonna regulate.
We're gonna find, once we do that, that our breath starts to quickly and we, we, it starts to regulate together. It starts to be at the same pace. So just troubleshooting, like this is this. If it's a problem now, then it only gets worse if we don't pay attention to it. Mm-hmm. So just pay attention to your overall mental health wellness and your sexual health together, because sexual health is.
Like is wellness, like we, we think we're well overall, but if we are ignoring our sexual health, it's gonna impact every other area of our life. Mm-hmm.
Emily Morse: And before anyone gets ahead of themselves and is like women are lying about orgasms, what the research tells us is it's. Altruistic deceit, which means that she's sacrificing her own pleasure to [00:38:00] make sure, and this is thank primarily happening in heterosexual couples.
You so thank you. She's sacrificing her pleasure for male, ego for male, and not ego like it's a bad thing, but so that you don't feel bad about yourself. And so women don't fake, some women fake it 'cause it's not good and they want it to be over. But most women are going to fake, fake an orgasm because.
They don't want their partner's feelings to be hurt or because it's painful. Yes. And those are the big reasons. That's it. It's not because they're like doing something sneaky. But you did mention that what you think contributes to this 70% of women initiating divorce is women's needs not getting met. So we talked about communicate with your partner for your sexual needs.
How can women start to understand they have a right to have their needs put first in some instances, or at least be considered? Yeah, I mean, I think the first
Dr. Brighten: thing is just. I mean, who could, taking a moment and having self-compassion for [00:39:00] ourself. I think that we are so hard on ourselves and we're running around taking care of everybody else.
So the first step is really just taking time for ourselves. Practice today asking for one thing that you. If, whether it is time, whether it's like time, space, something that you want, that you're putting off, you know, I think that this is the problem with pleasure too. That it, it becomes like another, we think we have to jump through all these hoops to finally deserve pleasure.
Um, and we put all these conditions on it. But what if pleasure was productive? Like what if you looked at pleasure as something that you actually, it was a requirement for you to be your best self. Mm. So I would say, look at your calendar this week, and are you doing anything that's really for your own good that's not about other people's needs?
Like I, I had to do this when I. Like even was writing this, the book about this, I was like, what? This is, this is what I learned. I talk about the pleasure percentage. I was, I was, I had, I had to learn myself that my life, when I looked at it all, most of it was about work and about other people's things and survival mode and getting [00:40:00] stuff done, improving myself and having being successful career, even though my job is about sex.
I still fell into that trap about hating all these boxes and being successful and all the things, and I realized what, where, what's in it for me. So for example, what I do now is I'll look at my calendar. I'm like, okay, so I'll schedule time with a friend. Time in nature. Like for me, those are the things that gimme pleasure.
Um, times with friends and nature, walking my dog, getting a massage, quiet time, not stacking as many things into my schedule. Like those are all great acts of self-care. So just you deserve that. It's going to help every other area of your life. You'll be a better parent, a better boss, a better friend, a better lover.
Emily Morse: I love all of that. And what I wanna ask you is that you're like one of the OGs in like the sex field. I mean really like you are such a trailblazer. What are you most excited about or what do you think is gonna change in terms of our conversations in the next five years?
Dr. Brighten: I think, um. I would love if sex was taught more in schools. I would love that if we got more comfortable in this conversation. You know, in the 20 years, I think in some ways we've made some advancements and in some ways we haven't. So I just hope in five years from now we've made some advancements where parents are feeling comfortable talking to their kids about sex and there's less shame, taboo and stress around it.
Emily Morse: Have you seen the data coming out of the Netherlands in Germany in terms of their sex ed interventions?
Dr. Brighten: Yeah. The only place that we see is the Netherlands in Germany, where they actually are talking about sex at a young age, where they're actually prioritizing kids' sexual [00:42:00] education, and they're starting, like when they're toddlers or naming the parts, they're saying vagina and penis.
They're not saying like Wee Wee or jj, and then they're talking about consent at a really early, early age, and they weave sexual health. Education into, into the kids' lives, pre, verbally, and then every year in school it's part of it. So yes, I see great information. I see the gr, the education, the great. Um.
Information coming out from that, the, what would you say? The great outcomes. Outcomes, yeah. There are so many wonderful outcomes from that, and it's something that we've known for years, and Netherlands has been teaching this way for I don't know how many years, 20, 30 years, and I would love to see some of that happening here in the United States.
We need it so desperately because. The challenge around that has been, we see the proliferation of porn and, and, and everything else that has happened, and then just misinformation. So yeah, I think that we have to start, um, at home. We have to start talking to our kids about, there's so many parents that still say to me like, oh, but I can't, but they won't listen to me.
I'm like, it's your job. Mm-hmm. It's either you [00:43:00] or. Porn, like it's either you or their friends. So I know it's awkward. I know your parents didn't talk to you about sex, but if you have a child, um, it is your duty to get comfortable about it and talk to your kids about their sex life early and often. It's not just one talk.
Emily Morse: Yeah. And we've seen, I mean, uh, what do you, between the Germany and Netherland curriculums, what we've seen is that. Children, they aren't even actually technically children because they're initiating sex later. It may even be adults. They report the first time as pleasurable rather than painful, scary, or shameful.
Yes. They talk to their parents about it. They tend to talk to their parents before they even have sex the first time, less unintended pregnancies, less STIs. Literally all the goals that we're after. Yes. In the US they're achieving there and they're achieving it by, yes. Just naming the body parts, like you said, teaching.
Teaching a 2-year-old that you have a right to say no to a hug. Mm-hmm. And so whenever people are like toddlers in sex ed, I'm like, but it's not [00:44:00] sex. Yeah. It's just normal human anatomy. It's what is consent and it's these things. They started young. It was interesting 'cause we went to the Netherlands and um.
They have this big cool science museum and we went there and with my son, there was a whole section that had, um, a vulva, there was a penis, there was um, like, and this was the children's section and they just so happy. All of these, um, these exhibits that were just normalizing all of the body parts, like the penis is no different than you looking at like the mus, the muscles of the thigh.
Like it's no different. And it was just like very normalized. And my son. Because of the way he's been raised in our house. It's like not another thing to him. Like not even a big deal doesn't. I'm like, oh cool. Do you wanna check this out? He is like, no, whatever. That's boring. Like keep going. Like not embarrassed, not shamed, and not like, oh my gosh, I've never seen that before.
That's just like. No, I was looking at the ear and like, whatever, I don't wanna see this. And I'm like, okay.
Dr. Brighten: Like,
Emily Morse: yeah,
Dr. Brighten: I, I love that example. Like, can [00:45:00] we just like, it is a body part and it is a normal part of our, you know, of our, of our lives. And the fact that we, we layer the shame onto it. Mm-hmm. We make it awkward, so, gosh, I would love to see museums in America.
Yeah. Or anywhere else in western countries with, with a big giant clitoris. Yeah.
Emily Morse: Well theres a whole interactive model. Model. Yeah. Yeah. There was a whole interactive model about that Right. Slide on Venus structure. I don't know. I'm
Dr. Brighten: like,
Emily Morse: I'm
Dr. Brighten: like, we could make slides outta a penis. Well, really, why not? I mean, why, but I love that, that it's interactive because think of all the mess that we get into when we don't talk about, but it is true all the research that shows that, yeah, there's less pregnancies.
The kids are having more pleasure. They're talk. Can you imagine coming home like your parents are like, I had sex with, there's time. And, and your father, you always says to the daughter like, well, was it pleasurable? Yeah. Did you a good time? Like, what's for dinner? Like, that's literally how their conversations go.
Yeah. It's, it's like. Did you get, how was your homework? Did you get your homework done? How was the sex you had last night? Like, we're talking like no shame, less pregnancy, all the things you said like that is possible. And I think it just, people just [00:46:00] can't imagine that because we can't get out of our own ways.
Yeah. Like we're the ones who's making it so much worse, but we just don't know that there's another way and there is, there is another way. So I hope we have more of that in five years. Yeah. See what we can do, Jolene.
Emily Morse: Well, let me ask you, for women who have been feeling like. They're broken. Something's wrong with them because they're not in the mood as much as they might think they need to be.
What is a piece of advice that you would want them to walk away from this podcast with?
Dr. Brighten: Yeah, I would. First is you're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you. Um, self-compassion. And get curious what's going on in your body right now. Maybe you're not in the mood for sex. Like who says that women should always want, first of all, who says that sex should be the kind of thing that you should be wanting to have 24 7 every day?
And like, like what if sometimes you just don't want to have sex? So like, just get curious about what kind of sex again, feels good to you. Have you even had. Great sex. A lot of women I find haven't even had great sex, so that's why they also don't want it. Like it was never even that [00:47:00] great. And if you go down a few more layers, a lot of it was performative.
It was for their partners. It was maybe at the early stage of the relationship. So for women who aren't feeling like they want it now or in perimenopause, what a wonderful time to say what is sex? What kind of connection do I really need? I'm gonna take the time to figure that out, and I'm going to take the pressure off myself to feel like I have to do anything that's performative, whether in my friendships, my personal life, or in the bedroom, like anywhere.
Emily Morse: You brought up a couple of times, most women haven't even experienced great sex. I'm gonna say it. Yeah. How can women achieve great
Dr. Brighten: sex? Okay. It's a great point. And I, I think that, I mean, you're getting a lot of comments like, I'm having the best sex in my life. That's amazing. I, I just, I gold star for yourself.
I love if I love, prove me wrong. Like, tell me everything. You're having great sex, that's communicative and it's, you know, great. But I would say most women can break sex by. Getting curious about their own pleasure taking matter into their own hands. We're responsible for our own pleasure and our own orgasms.
You know, Julian, I used to think someday my prince would come and so would [00:48:00] I, I really believe that he's gonna ride up so good. He's gonna ride up on a white horse and he's gonna some kind of horse and he's gonna be like, oh my God, like this, this, he knows everything. 'cause I really did begin, I know I'm talking in very heterosexual terms here, but I really did think that men knew exactly what.
I, I needed, or, and, and no, it, the second we decide. And you understand that you are responsible for your own pleasure, you're responsible feels good. And just like we're responsible for everything else in our life. So the first thing you can do is get curious. Take a mirror, look between your legs. Could you pick your vagina out of a lineup?
Do you know what it looks like? What are the messages that you're telling yourself? If we're walking around all day having shame, I hate my body. Listen, the vagina gets really bad. Pr, the vagina's probably the worst. Like, like it's, it's, it's gets STIs, it's dirty, it smells, it gets hairy. It's wrong. No one wants to touch it, look at it, feel it, and now it's not having orgasms, and it's disappointing me.
So once we decide that we're gonna become our own best advocates for pleasure, like that's. Literally the face, the place to start is [00:49:00] fi. Okay. To answer to that, specifically five minutes of self touch without the pressure to, for orgasm, take a look. Start with, I'm going to connect to my body. 'cause if we're not connected to our body and we're not.
Loving our bodies, um, even liking our bodies and we're not connected to our pleasure and our source of arousal and we're not prioritizing it. It's really hard to expect anyone else to. Yeah.
Emily Morse: So well said. Thank you. Yeah. Well, thank you so much for taking the time to sit down with me today and have this conversation.
Thank you for having me. Awesome. 4 0 9. Is that good? Yeah, I'm good.
Dr. Brighten: I'm good you guys. That's perfect. I know. Yeah. How was that? Good. Was that long enough for you too? We started, yeah. I thought it was great. I, I need to get back to us up. Yeah. I don't think, like, you know, it's, it, you know, how long are your episodes typically?