The Science of Better Sex: How to Improve Your Sex Life with Dr. Tara, Top University Sex Professor

Dr. Tara: at the same time trying to actively work on knowing that like whatever the result is like i have so many amazing projects in my life and this is just one them

Dr. Brighten: yeah yeah also like you do stand a good chance with like new york times stuff seller so that list just so you know people make that list really two thousand book sales like this not a best seller list

Dr. Tara: I thought someone was saying twenty thousand

Dr. Brighten: 

[0:00:30]

twenty thousand they can't ignore you they can't ignore you but i have my last two books have outs sold the last one outs sold three people on the list the one from before that's outs sold five people on the list i didn't make the list because it's more than that being like on tv makes them wanna put you on the list really

Dr. Tara: yeah like so is long just sales

Dr. Brighten: no no that was the eye opener you has to get turned off yeah

Dr. Tara: this is your third book

Dr. Brighten: this is my fourth book yeah

Dr. Tara: 

[0:01:00]

yeah girl you just pump out these books us insane i mean like i can't even i don't even know if i haven't me to do another book like and they're trying to like get a deal going for the next one i'm like dude like i kinda wanna take a break because i'm doing a lot of tv

Dr. Brighten: 

[0:01:30]

if you can get a big enough deal than what some people do is they hire writer who you can hire a writer to assist you or you can hire ghost writer my first book that was with a major publisher i hired someone to assist me and then i found out that everything i was paying them to do the publishers what had done for me so i was like oh okay i was but and then i also just like i wrote the whole book and i'm like i just liked like i process of it so i

Dr. Tara: yeah i really love i i wrote every word in this moment yeah myself because the because my husband was saying to like oh like you're so busy like we can also get like a ghost writer i'm like oh this is my very first one i'm gonna do this but they're like out in the future like i'm open to like having assistance and stuff but for now like my first vote i want to be able to say to people i wrote every word

Dr. Brighten: 

[0:02:00]

yeah yeah i know i have a lot of friends who they've hit the new york times seller and they are like i had one friend she's like i don't even know what was in my book and like and like that's just not my style

Dr. Tara: the bulk world so different

Dr. Brighten: 

[0:02:30]

yeah are we going and it's so great so stop me on be right perfect thanks so we jump right into questions because there will be a whole trailer introducing you one okay okay let me just look at this again yeah doctor tara you have created a sexual personality test that is changing people's love lives what's the most surprising thing people discover about themselves when they take it

Dr. Tara: 

[0:03:01]

oh so i hear a lot from people that like they didn't realize that that was their sexual profile mh so for example you know someone that like consistently likes like missionary sex and consistently like to have sex in like the bedroom on on her own bed like took took the test and then found out that like she's actually not a consistent lover she's a dynamic lover mh and that was like a huge shock for her when she was reading like the dynamic definition so yeah like people discover that who they thought they were in bed is isn't necessarily like who they actually are or can be when they hit the highest potential of expression

Dr. Brighten: 

[0:03:31]

yeah okay i'm very excited for this conversation we're gonna be getting into all of this and for everyone listening doctor tara you are a tenured professor you actually are where do you think youngest tenured professor at cal state fullerton

Dr. Tara: yeah

Dr. Brighten: yeah so i want everybody to understand as we come into this you are an academic first because i think often when people hear sex they're just like oh this strange person in the corner of the internet and like no she's in the you you're actually in the classroom teaching on this

Dr. Tara: 

[0:04:01]

you know my student even asked me the other day they were like so do you have a phd i said yes hen doctor tara and they were like oh we we thought it was kinda like doctor dr you're like also cool yeah cool me but like not as much education in school and schooling but well i'll trade bank accounts with doctor threat any day

Dr. Brighten: fair so we're talking about these sexual profiles what are some of the different sexual profiles and i'm interesting really interested to hear how they shape the way people connect with their partner

Dr. Tara: 

[0:04:31]

yes so i love to call it like the myers breaks of sex mh because you also get acronyms because like have you taken myers brakes personality

Dr. Brighten: yes i have what are you oh what am i an e n t is it j j

Dr. Tara: yeah you you i feel like you're

Dr. Brighten: you're like yeah i you know yeah

Dr. Tara: i have an e n f j

Dr. Brighten: okay okay yeah

Dr. Tara: 

[0:05:01]

[0:05:31]

so e n t j is more reasonable than e n f j f is feelings so like i i have a lot of feelings and make a lot of decisions based on emotions but anyway so sexual profile is like myers bricks so when you take the test the test will tell you your main keywords four main keywords that explains who you are sexually and these are basically acronym so the first category is whether or not you're consistent or dynamic consistent in it i mean i i wrote about it extensively but like in short basically it's someone that really enjoys sex that is consistent to from before

Dr. Brighten: mh

Dr. Tara: 

[0:06:01]

for example someone that enjoys missionary every time always sex in the bedroom in bed because like they just know that that's comfortable for them that that's a reliable way to orgasm and there's no right or wrong answer so some some people are consistent lovers but some people are dynamic lovers they need change they need the different positions to feel more turned on they need different spaces to have sex in to feel more turned on and be into it so some people are consistent some people are dynamic no answers

Dr. Brighten: mh

Dr. Tara: which one do you think you are

Dr. Brighten: 

[0:06:32]

oh i i i'm have to like really think about that i and like retake this quiz because i was just reading through like to do questions yeah but i do like consistency however because i have adhd there has to be the dynamic component otherwise if it's completely predictable like my my brain is figured out the plot and it's bored right

Dr. Tara: yes yes i i love that part and i love that you said that because a lot of people ask me like what like can't you be both and the answer is you can exhibit or desire both but people have a primary

Dr. Brighten: yeah

Dr. Tara: 

[0:07:02]

it's kinda like when people say like you know i'm an introvert but like when i'm in a social situation i can be an extra where it's like you can be social yeah and you can enjoy it even yeah but a lot of times you're true personality is an introvert yeah know it's like my true personality is a sex personality is a dynamic person i like i crave differences

Dr. Brighten: all the

Dr. Tara: time however it doesn't mean that i can't orgasm consistently through a sex

Dr. Brighten: yeah and enjoy it yeah when the in that context i would say i'm consistent because i do that like i the girl does like a routine like does scrape things yeah but i

Dr. Tara: make sense with the j too

Dr. Brighten: 

[0:07:32]

oh really yeah interesting yeah so you so this is one aspect the profile but there's three others

Dr. Tara: there's three others

Dr. Brighten: okay

Dr. Tara: 

[0:08:02]

next is traditional or kinky so are you traditional or kinky if you're traditional it means that you lean towards enjoying conventional sexual acts so this can be you know it can include like oral sex in fore play or like maybe even like manual stimulation in fore play but then the sex sex can be missionary doggy cow girl right and sex is like between two people that are in a relationship so that's the more traditional lovers

Dr. Brighten: mh

Dr. Tara: 

[0:08:32]

the other way is kinky and this is where you as a lover enjoy unconventional non nontraditional sexual acts mh this can be like anything outside of what i had just described for traditional so if you're someone that also enjoys you know some bondage maybe some s and m maybe pet play maybe food play maybe trying like you know unique sex positions then your or have sex in public like outside or maybe go to sex parties like then you're more kinky

Dr. Brighten: 

[0:09:03]

let me ask you because i have read this research that says about twenty percent have engaged in some level of king and my first thought was these are only the people who admit it or the people who think that's king so they may enjoy having sex in the back of the car but they think will teenagers have sex in the back of the car so like this is a normal this is a traditional thing mh would that fall in the box of kin

Dr. Tara: 

[0:09:33]

it would fall in a box of kin because this survey is all about its self report mh right and it's subjective evaluation so if you feel your activity is kinky and you are kinky then you are kinky because that's what you believe in yourself and this is all about self concept right like how you think about yourself and how you wanna express your partner yeah so you then you would be kinky

Dr. Brighten: yeah so and then okay so we've got the first two one of the next ones

Dr. Tara: 

[0:10:03]

[0:10:33]

so the next one is mono oh flexible mh and i didn't use open because flexible doesn't mean open mh so mono melasma means you you have sex with one partner for the duration of your relationship only one partner with no exceptions flexible means that there are exceptions that you are open to having a conversation or engaging in sex that involves other people outside of the person in the duration of that relationship mh and this could be things like having a threes sum for some attending a sex party or full on open relationship poly relationship so flexible just means anything outside of of mono

Dr. Brighten: i'm curious how many couples or individuals fall into the flexible category like just as what we know you know in terms of like the data we have

Dr. Tara: yeah so the data i have is based on three thousand five hundred people and guess

Dr. Brighten: i would say like thirty percent

Dr. Tara: 

[0:11:03]

fifty percent fifty yeah it's work a little over fifty percent like fifty two fifty because people take the survey every day yeah because it's on my website so like i i didn't have new data every day but it's about fifty two percent but people say oh yeah like i'm flexible yeah and it's not necessarily because they wanna be in an open or poly relationship mh it's mainly because they think a three sum would be fun

Dr. Brighten: 

[0:11:33]

[0:12:04]

yeah yeah i remember so when i was in college taking this psychology of aging course and what was so interesting and stuck out to me is that they were following these couples over a lifetime in this like documentary and what they found is that many couples as they age they became more flexible and i remember this i mean i was like twenty of the time this was mind blowing to me that the this woman was like i drop him off at his girlfriend's house and i dropped and he's like yes and she has her boyfriend and like we see these other people and when they were being interviewed all of these people were saying this actually strengthens our relationship it makes us more attracted to each other and because being married to somebody for fifty plus years and the same person like you begin to explore and change things so that makes me ask the question do people's personalities change over time or when situations change they take your personality either sexual personality profile test do things change like maybe you have a baby maybe you know you are going through menopause maybe you've been married fifty years is there contacts where things switch

Dr. Tara: 

[0:12:34]

yeah for sure i mean i theorized that people change over the course of life and therefore there's actual profile can change however i mean i think there i think there is your primary profile mh but then there's also situational things

Dr. Brighten: yeah

Dr. Tara: 

[0:13:04]

right it's kinda like trade personality and state feelings right mh so if we're talking trade and state like they i mean as a dynamic person there could be times where i'm like oh we're just honestly like i just want like the missionary given or as like i'm tired i just want to feel connected to you like i don't really won't need to like go outside and like try to do something else but it doesn't mean i change from being a dynamic person mh because ultimately i am mh but situational only things could change right that's why there's that comparison between trade state and i think that as a dynamic lover i'll always be a dynamic lover but and it doesn't mean that from time to time consistency works better for me at the time mh

Dr. Brighten: yeah and then what's the last profile

Dr. Tara: 

[0:13:34]

the last profile is whether you're leaning more gentle as a longer or animal okay so gentle lovers tend to enjoy soft touching cares very sensual love making kind of like let's get it on marvin gay vibes

Dr. Brighten: mh

Dr. Tara: and then animal lover tends to like rough sex

Dr. Brighten: mh

Dr. Tara: 

[0:14:05]

rough grabbing scratching biting just like a lot of passion in a fiery way mh of course no right wrong both people can very much enjoy sex and have a very pleasurable sexual session but when you have a partner that understands your style and adapt to it it can be even more it can feel even more pleasurable the connection can be deeper and you can bond better

Dr. Brighten: 

[0:14:35]

mh so well i have a question then because i imagine people who are in a partnership are going to want to take they want them both have to take this profile are you know you'll see like an astrology where it's like these are star a slightly personalities not yeah any personalities that don't go together they're like they're not a match or do you address that in your book of like if you're this and you're that and it feels like there's friction here's what you can actually do

Dr. Tara: 

[0:15:05]

i do address it in my book i said if your profiles are the opposite it's not like a doom for your relationship like this is not an indicator that you are doomed it's an indicator that there's work to do and if you love that person enough you will do the work mh and i describe like how to do this work like let's say if your traditional your partner is you know more kinky like here are the things that you can explore within the lines if you are the hardest one would be if your mono in your partner is not

Dr. Brighten: yeah

Dr. Tara: but then do you think that's

Dr. Brighten: our only compatibility or do you think there's ways to overcome that or

Dr. Tara: 

[0:15:36]

[0:16:06]

i think there are ways to overcome that where you know you can involve others without physically being with them so there's like nowadays there's you know obviously like online sex workers that you can like talk to and engage in like through like mh cyber sex there's you know watching porn together in inviting like third party into the situation without actually seeing a person so there are ways and speaking about the future i mean there's already sex robots there's already ai sex robots that you can program personality program accents how they orgasm when they orgasm i mean who knows right like you know how people can adjust in the future so there isn't one that's like you're done like all of them you can work on

Dr. Brighten: 

so i am curious how knowing your sexual profile and knowing your partner sexual profile can actually contribute to the longevity of a relationship

Dr. Tara: 

[0:20:39]

mh it can contribute positively and significantly by these three different ways so first off it gives you language to start talking about sexual well being in your relationship a lot of different surveys show that majority of people and relationships have never had full on conversations about their sex lives before mh maybe they say things like oh i like it there or i wanna try this position but they never talk about the overall like sexual will being what is it like for you to have a good sex life

Dr. Brighten: mh

Dr. Tara: who are you sexually like what do you truly like in bed what are your fantasies what are some of your potential kings that you may not even know yet what is something you have seen online or or on tv then you wanna explore these conversations are called macro sexual communication mh most people in relationships have never had them

Dr. Brighten: why do you think that is

Dr. Tara: 

[0:21:10]

because sex is still so taboo mh and there is a myth that people think that humans should know how to do sex without talking about it

Dr. Brighten: mh

Dr. Tara: and because it's it should be instinct there's no point talking about it like it's instinct is what we do as humans it's like eating people will try to

Dr. Brighten: 

[0:21:40]

make that argument and they'll say look at mammals mh i'm like have you not been on natural geographic because they make all kinds of noises there's little dances going on there's n all kinds of things and like while you don't understand the communication there is a lot communication

Dr. Tara: 

[0:22:10]

communication and they love that point that's a really good point so sexual profile first off allows you to have the language to talk about yourself and to engage in that sort of conversation in a more educated manner secondly i think it brings partners closer together because it allows them to understand the other person better and now you can take action towards being the lover that your partner would really enjoy and they also do the same so that like two people catering to each other like that's the best sex

Dr. Brighten: yeah

Dr. Tara: 

[0:22:40]

and then lastly it allows you to prevent sexual resentment which is one of the numb like one of the top factors contributing to breakups and divorce right people are resent towards their partners yeah they haven't had sex in a long time sex marriages it's super common it allows you to understand each other and prevent that from happening by engaging in various other activities that will be fulfilling for each other

Dr. Brighten: 

[0:23:10]

mh i wanna play two truths in a lie with our audience okay if they can spot the lie we'll give them time to answer and then we're gonna go we're gonna go we'll give them some time at first i'm gonna read these three so first is your sexual profile can change throughout your life communication is more important than chemistry and sustaining passion your relationship is doomed if you don't have the same sexual profile so people can guess which is the lie leave us a comment on youtube and then we're gonna come back to it and unpack it but what i wanna ask you is that if you could ask every listener right now to experiment for the next seven days to bring spark back to their relationship what would you challenge them to do

Dr. Tara: 

[0:23:41]

[0:24:11]

i would challenge them to try sexual meditation every day interesting what's that yeah so sexual meditation is like a regular meditation but it focuses on sexual thoughts feelings and sensations in the body that are your aurora zones mh so when you do regular meditation whether it's for calm sleep confidence work whatever it is there is a context around that meditation right maybe it's when you do it silently and you visualize like a really good job interview right or you do it with a guided meditation and you're trying to sleep right so this is one other context that you should try and it's the sexual context you can do it quietly by engaging in like a visual visualization of like really hot sex that you had last time or even an imagination maybe hot sex that you've never had

Dr. Brighten: mh

Dr. Tara: 

[0:24:41]

with a partner that you've never had or or a celebrity crush you can think about that and you can also do feelings like what does it feel like in your body when you think about sex and then you can also do massage different ro zones as you meditate and take the breaths so it connects your mind with your body and the aurora zones so you could be meditating taking deep breaths mass your nipples mass massage your pubic area for example

Dr. Brighten: mh

Dr. Tara: 

[0:25:12]

[0:25:42]

you can also go to guided meditation because some people like that i have like free guided sexual meditation on youtube a bunch of different clips just depending on what particular sex thing you wanna work on some of them are five minutes some of them were ten minutes a lot of them are for couples mh so you do it together okay so you can like get naked whole hands and like follow the instructions take the brett close your eyes and you know just do it for ten minutes together there's a lot of research a lot of them actually by doctor doctor lori bro mh that wrote the book about sexual mindfulness but a lot of research on sexual mindfulness practices and how that has a huge positive impact on people's sex lives including higher sexual desires for women who reported having low sexual desire better sexual functioning less vaginal pain

Dr. Brighten: mh

Dr. Tara: 

[0:26:12]

things like that yeah there's lots of benefits in all of her experiments and she even wrote a whole book about it and there's lots of research articles on it so i'm a huge fan of sexual meditation also because it's free like you know you don't have to buy a drug you don't have to buy a new lingerie you don't have to buy a moderator you can just meditate together and feel more sexually connected than ever before

Dr. Brighten: is this a daily practice weekly practice what kind cadence would you say people should try to start with

Dr. Tara: 

[0:26:42]

i think to make it achievable i think people should try it like twice a week okay yeah twice a week wondering during the week one during the weekend to really get in that groove and mh when you get comfortable just sitting silently with your partner for five minutes or ten minutes doing this then i would say like three to four times a week you'll feel so connected like this is what i do and i feel amazing

Dr. Brighten: yeah so i'm hearing improved lab last vaginal pain with penetration better connection with your partner certainly it's gonna help your stress levels oh yeah

Dr. Tara: it's gonna help you amazing using in an intentional way yeah yeah

Dr. Brighten: 

[0:27:14]

definitely so let's go back to the true truth in lie i'm gonna ask you true false your sexual profile can change throughout your life true okay and why is that true

Dr. Tara: because like i said you know maybe your natural tendency when you're younger is like let's say mono anonymous and then maybe when you're forty five like we we said like you know we have seen some research that says peep when people are older there they tend to be more perm towards trying new things including in other people yeah then maybe when you're you're forty five or fifty you're like i'm now leaning towards flexible

Dr. Brighten: mh

Dr. Tara: so you can change

Dr. Brighten: 

[0:27:45]

okay true or false communication is more important than chemistry in sustaining passion

Dr. Tara: it's true okay yeah because even if you have chemistry but terrible communication like there's no point mh because you can't sustain chemistry chemistry can come they can go a lot of times it fizz out you know as soon as six months so communication is what going to sustain your sex exercise

Dr. Brighten: 

[0:28:15]

mh your sexual relationship is doomed if you don't have the same sexual profile true or false false alright and i feel we've we've talked about that one and we covered it pretty well but i want to do a little bit like rapid fire of our like protocol playground if you want playground is like perfect for this

Dr. Tara: love that

Dr. Brighten: so what's your protocol or so asking you what's your protocol if somebody says we have mismatched l

Dr. Tara: 

[0:28:45]

my protocol would be first off sit down and talk about your ideal frequency mh like first you have to know what you're working with like established established a baseline if your partner says you know what it would be nice for me to like sexually connect with you like three times a week and if you're like i can only do once a week now the the two that's the difference and discrepancy what can we do it can be sexual meditation mh it can be taking a math together things that also contribute to sexual connection not necessarily penetration

Dr. Brighten: mh what's the protocol for couples who love each other but say sex feels like a chore

Dr. Tara: 

[0:29:16]

try my erotic solution so in the book i talk about how sex can be boring mh and you know there are so many things in the world of sexuality that you can try if you put in the effort and initiative so like when you like read through the book for example like one of them is y young right have you guys try the y yeah

Dr. Brighten: i don't know i don't like i'm not even sure i know this word is

Dr. Tara: 

[0:29:46]

yeah that's so yam is a part of like the eastern philosophy like tan tan sa teachings but it's a way to a position to connect with one another

Dr. Brighten: oh i know exactly what you're

Dr. Tara: so the man would like sit cross list

Dr. Brighten: then the world

Dr. Tara: sit on him legs around him and your forehead would join and you would take synchronized breaths

Dr. Brighten: mh

Dr. Tara: 

[0:30:17]

like that's one of the erotic solutions and it's not boring at all it's actually really fun and you can even choose the playlist that like works for you mh i know that sometimes i would choose like sexual frequency sounds but sometimes mh i'll also choose like like pony or like you know r and b or like and it's a fun activity to like do with your partner and it doesn't include penetration or having sex in a traditional sense but it definitely makes me feel very connected to him and turned on

Dr. Brighten: what's the science be behind sexual frequencies so people will hear about bi neuro beats or sleep frequencies but i bet sexual frequencies new to people

Dr. Tara: yeah i think it's four thirty seven

Dr. Brighten: the the hurts

Dr. Tara: 

[0:30:47]

yeah thirty six yeah i think there's a multiple but i don't have that on top of my head

Dr. Brighten: yeah yeah well and unless because people are not gonna look hurts they're gonna go like beyond spotify and be like what is this sexual frequency yeah a more like interested in people hearing like what happens to you ph physiological mentally emotionally when that frequency is being played

Dr. Tara: i think when that frequency is being played you feel first you feel more relaxed

Dr. Brighten: mh

Dr. Tara: 

[0:31:17]

and i think it allows you to feel more of your nerve endings that are in your zones mh i think it's more in tune of that but at the same time it depends on the receiver also if you're receiver that has a lot of blockage you might not feel it but if you're so in tune with your body and you're open and receiving you really feel it

Dr. Brighten: do feel like people who

Dr. Tara: might need hard nipples from i'm listening to it yeah so i don't listen in a park

Dr. Brighten: 

[0:31:48]

yeah or when you're like you're like i'm about to go like keep talk saying you know on tv yeah teaching that would be i think that you know what i i wanna ask you and i i wanna go back to the protocols but do you think people who practice mindfulness and meditation have better sex

Dr. Tara: one thousand percent

Dr. Brighten: okay why is that

Dr. Tara: because ultimately sex is a medi experience mh you need to be able to take deep breaths like to your genitals to orgasm you need to be able to focus to feel pleasures in the ar zones

Dr. Brighten: mh

Dr. Tara: 

[0:32:19]

you need to be able to focus concentrate on your partner and the act in order to give and receive pleasure all of these things need concentration and being present and meditation is a practice of being present

Dr. Brighten: mh

Dr. Tara: so if you do that every day and yoga for example then yeah you're definitely a better lover

Dr. Brighten: mh okay so let me ask you what's the protocol when one partner wants to explore kinks and the other doesn't

Dr. Tara: common ground

Dr. Brighten: okay

Dr. Tara: 

[0:32:49]

[0:33:19]

[0:33:49]

unfortunately you know there isn't a way to bypass it completely right someone who is more vanilla and someone who's really kinky and let's say they want to explore for example power dynamics they wanna explore power play like dom sub vodka mh and if the other person's like no i'm i'm not into that like i can't be your sub or i can't be a dumb there is a middle ground that can be common ground that can be done dom doesn't have to be asked extreme as getting in a caller getting on your knees walk around in a leash right mh it can also be the other person saying come here listen to me right like and you obeying to that or you know letting your partner sort of gently pull your hair down while they kiss you on the neck like mh that's someone dominating you mh so there are variations of everything all kings have variations you don't have to go to the deep end you can't just go level one and that's within the frame of like honoring the vanilla person's boundaries and i think most people can be happy with that

Dr. Brighten: yeah i think that's a great tip my question for you is that sometimes it is coming from a place of shame how people were raise that like this is off limits this is bad like this is something that like deviate people do how do people overcome that if that's their struggle

Dr. Tara: 

[0:34:19]

[0:34:49]

education mh research found that the more sexually educated you are about whatever topic that you're that you have fear or anxiety about the more confident you become so i would say reading books about kings reading like good sores like credible articles about it listen to podcast of like kinky people talk about their lives it's very quote unquote like normal they live very normal life yeah and like a lot of i know a lot of super kinky people they're just normal people they're your dentist your lawyer your barista like they have a normal life i know they love these kinky out of the box sex and i think without the knowledge you sensational it and you drama ties it

Dr. Brighten: mh

Dr. Tara: with the knowledge by reading about it listening about it you know like oh okay like in there and there's variations

Dr. Brighten: mh what's the protocol for bringing back sparks after kids or when you've reached menopause

Dr. Tara: romance

Dr. Brighten: mh what does romance mean because we know what hallmark says

Dr. Tara: 

[0:35:20]

[0:35:50]

right yeah romance means understanding your partner's love language and do them regularly mh so recently i talked to this couple who came in to my coaching practice and you know the wife goes like yeah i don't even remember the last time i got a gift that was for me like christmas i got dyson vacuum which i love right it helps me do chores better like clean the house better but at the same time like when was the last time i got jewelry lingerie like anything

Dr. Brighten: yeah

Dr. Tara: and after having them take like a bunch of different tests like obviously one of her top three love languages is gift mh and it needs to be gifts that communicate desire and admiration not helpful useful gifts

Dr. Brighten: yeah

Dr. Tara: 

[0:36:21]

so then he understood and i said listen like there is no sex life we don't even need to talk about sex life right now let's just talk about romance let's just talk about helping each other feel more sexy and turned on by themselves and a woman can't feel sexy or turned on if her partner doesn't regularly communicate that through the love language that they speak

Dr. Brighten: mh

Dr. Tara: so of course like you know he started and i said and it can just be one time thing you can be like giving her earrings and things like oh come here have sex

Dr. Brighten: yeah

Dr. Tara: 

[0:36:51]

like that's bullshit but at the same time like it does work so like basically i'm gonna be tracking like what he's gonna do like you know it can be like little gifts so she she even said like you know when you go out to starbucks like come back and like get me something

Dr. Brighten: just you at me yeah yeah think of me

Dr. Tara: 

[0:37:21]

and and you know they spend a lot of time together but it's not quality time they don't talk they both watch tv be for a long period of time right when they say like yeah but we spend a lot of time together i'm like is it quality time or just time because there's a difference so i think learning more and being more curious about your partner and adjusting your language to really show them that you desire them is first step in bringing the spark back don't even talk about sex like sex comes when all these things are there

Dr. Brighten: i'm curious what's the worst gift that you have received from on man or maybe heard from someone else and you're like that's the worst

Dr. Tara: 

[0:37:52]

oh my gosh let me think about it okay this is this is recent and i feel so bad for my friend but my friend is a very very light straight mono person like she is she not interested in like kinky like super king she's now for like you know bat butt slap and stuff like that but she is not interested and now sex with all the people at all and actually feels very territorial around her relationship mh her boyfriend surprised her for her birthday with a sex party ticket

Dr. Brighten: what she's like lying i'm that

Dr. Tara: 

[0:38:22]

like the worst give ever like do you not listen to your girlfriend like that is not who she is and she was hiss

Dr. Brighten: yeah yeah i have to share and my husband's in the room right now but it's a very hilarious that he got me a scale oh my scale okay okay so in his

Dr. Tara: wan scale

Dr. Brighten: away and scale it's very high tech one that like gives you lots of data he knows i love that data

Dr. Tara: he gives science girl

Dr. Brighten: 

[0:38:52]

[0:39:22]

[0:39:52]

he eventually got me an apple watch break know but i have an or ring he knows i love tracking data so he gets through the scale i open it for like my birthday i think i was trying forty two or something and i was like what like he got me a scale and and the i and like you know the time i'm laughing but i'm like i'm opening it in front of my two sons and i'm like oh oh no because i have to raise boys though people wanna date true and then the scale what made it worse is he's like oh it hooks up to your phone and it actually wouldn't tell you're your bone mask your muscle ass and like this is so cool i get on it and it tells me i'm obese oh it's my bmi is thirty two and i'm a little obese anyhow we live about it now my love language is acts of service so the gifts like don't they don't have that much weight for me but anyhow it's a story i love to tell and especially to house here that like look he made this a big mistake and it's a funny thing that we laugh about now but also like it didn't mean he loves me with less it wasn't an insult or anything like that and like just to talk about like yeah can we make mistakes and relationships and we can move forward from that and laugh about it but my biggest thing was i was i have two boys and they're seeing this this is not i just had

Dr. Tara: so did you have a conversation with them after oh yeah yeah

Dr. Brighten: 

[0:40:22]

yeah i'm like something else is that you know just for parents listing i went through knee surgery and i told my husband like when i come home please make sure there's flowers go get flowers and have those and he's like are you telling me like i'm not doing a good job or something like no i cared less about the flowers i wanna go home and go to bed mh i need you to take the boys to get the flowers so that they see like this is what you do like they show

Dr. Tara: a lot

Dr. Brighten: it's so skinny we're always like also trying to think in that context of what as well like okay how are we showing up for each other and relationship the whole shows two boys  which is actually the highly individuals

Dr. Tara: exactly i also want to mention when it comes to like love languages and just how you want to be loved

Dr. Brighten: mh

Dr. Tara: 

[0:40:53]

i love that you just gave that example about the flowers and including your sons

Dr. Brighten: mh

Dr. Tara: there is this myth in the dating world and in relationships that if your partner loves you they should know exactly how to treat you exactly what gifts to get exactly how to talk to you bullshit

Dr. Brighten: mh

Dr. Tara: you are responsible in teaching them now there is such thing as like you've already taught them and then don't listen okay that's a shitty partner like lip go but you need to take accountability on like how to love you better

Dr. Brighten: mh

Dr. Tara: 

[0:41:23]

[0:41:53]

because people don't know they're clueless like i remember meeting my now husband but like when we met like i had to teach him everything like how to talk to me how many times i like to be talk to how like you know like how to like valentine's day was coming up like back then like we went after we met like valentine's day was coming up like what do i expect right but then i have girlfriends that go like yeah but that's not romantic like i don't wanna tell him this is a gift i want like i want him to know like how would he know there's billions of women in the world like a women are i'm not like you people he has dated it probably not like you how would he know and then you you're setting yourself out for a disappointment

Dr. Brighten: mh

Dr. Tara: so just teach him like for these first few times for your first valentine's birthday anniversary christmas teach him like what you like and then from the non he can probably think from himself

Dr. Brighten: 

[0:42:24]

[0:42:54]

yeah i know that you know we ask our kids to make like you know christmas list or birthday wish list right so it's actually something that we do as well and i will say like here's the things that i would want here's a list in link just pick just pick and i know i'm gonna get what i want and i'm gonna be surprised because i don't know which thing it is and i think i've had friends that say to me the same thing like that's not romantic and isn't that tedious i'm like yeah but like i want that and why why is it wrong for me to express that i want that and i think that's part of it too is it's not just about it not being romantic but it's also feeling like you don't have permission to state what you want and as we're having this conversation in the context of your specialty i'm like wow and how does that translate to the bedroom

Dr. Tara: so much if you're not if you don't dare speak up in your written regular daily life in your relationship mh then in bed it's even more vulnerable then you won't be speaking up at all in bed or about sex then you're doomed

Dr. Brighten: yeah i'm curious what's the most controversial thing you believe about long term relationships that most therapists or sex experts would disagree with

Dr. Tara: 

[0:43:24]

that i think everyone's mono non

Dr. Brighten: ish mh yeah

Dr. Tara: 

[0:43:54]

yeah i think everyone's mono i think there gets to be some point in their lives that they're like oh let's just try this thing for fun mh and it can be a threes sum or going to a play party but like of course if you're listening and if you're in your thirties or maybe forties you you might feel like yeah that's not for me but like have you been with the same person since your twenties and if you're gonna be with them to your nineties like that's a long time so my belief is that i think everyone is mono and if they allow of z they will be engaging in these things at some point in their lives and again when i say mono i don't mean open relationships poly relationships it just mean that you would involve another person or other person here and there in your sexual repertoire at some point mh and that's my controversial belief

Dr. Brighten: 

[0:44:25]

do you include fan about other people or maybe even the couple like you know when they're talking to each other during sex and they're playing out of fantasy of like another person in that ish yes spectrum

Dr. Tara: 

[0:44:56]

yes because it's it's outside real a partner mh like if you have a fantasy about like let's say sex with ex and if you're able to like converse like talk about it together that that's like sort of your a king is like hot past in the king where you like to like rem on past lovers and sex sessions and then talk about it with your partner so if hot passes is your king like i mean that's that's involving other people that's outside of your relationship and that's mono mesh

Dr. Brighten: and there are people who will say adamant that if you ever think about anyone else in a sexual way you are cheating what do you say because there's some pretty heavy science behind that

Dr. Tara: 

[0:45:26]

you think about things all the time like you know i i like comparing it to horror movies like do you think people in horror movies are gonna go out and do those horrible things just because your partner think about scarlet jo johansson giving him a job like doesn't mean that like you know that's gonna happen or that's what he truly desires in life like if you have a strong enough relationship and trust and it's a healthy relationship that's what they want that's what you want that's what they want mh so ultimately i think when people are mad and that or like mad if their partner watch porn

Dr. Brighten: mh

Dr. Tara: 

[0:45:56]

[0:46:26]

right even if it's like an like a a thing that it's not like he's hiding or secretly doing it every day but like you've just like don't allow your partner to watch porn or just don't allow your partner to do certain things i think it's it comes from a lot of insecurity and the lack of trust that that relationship is real and it's true and it's truly based on love because if it's real true and truly based on love you would know that your partner is not going anywhere and that they're here they're invested and they're here for the long run and it doesn't matter who pops into their head from time to time

Dr. Brighten: 

[0:46:57]

mh what are some things that are completely normal if not very common that the general public often thinks is like completely fringe

Dr. Tara: going to a sex party really

Dr. Brighten: how common is that in so long and like currently in my friend group

Dr. Tara: 

[0:47:27]

and it's not like a sex friend group either it's just friends that i know from outside of even like this positive world like they all go so yeah it's a lot more common than you think if i have to guess them it i would say about like thirty percent of people have gone mh and maybe they go and they don't do anything but they have gone

Dr. Brighten: yeah

Dr. Tara: to some sort of play party or bd party just like an erotic card

Dr. Brighten: yeah what's this party i guess like there's probably people right now that are just like it must be an but no there's actually a spectrum

Dr. Tara: yeah yeah yeah so people like to say sex party because it's just easy to say but i think a word that's perhaps more accurate is erotic party

Dr. Brighten: mh

Dr. Tara: 

[0:47:58]

[0:48:28]

because the parties that are being organized centers around iran and that can be like a show where there's like bur less that strips but it can also be a show of people having live sex and you can watch mh it can also be a show of a person like using sex toy on herself or himself of himself so it revolves around erotic and there are different tiers different types different categories so let me give you one example of killing kittens for example in london it's a huge party

Dr. Brighten: it's that people right now are gonna be like yeah

Dr. Tara: 

[0:48:58]

[0:49:29]

[0:49:59]

no not the actual killing in the brand is called killing kittens or k k it's a huge brand in london but also here around the world now but it's huge in london a very recognizable name it's it's all like every magazine it's an erotic party so you can just go and have a night out with your girlfriends with your partner like whoever a date go in when you go in write you first like put your phone away depends on the type of party that day sometimes they put a sticker on your camera sometimes they lock your phone outside then you go enjoy a party when you walk in there are like erotic like corners like people like dancing in lingerie or you know it fits later in the night then they're already naked then there's a show so like it whatever show is like there's various different shows but it's sexual you can just grab a drink enjoy the show go home but deeper into the club you can also go to the org g room where there are best and comfy things like you know blankets pillows and people in there are having sex you can go in sort of like walk around watch a little bit and leave you can stand and stare okay like that's not good etiquette but you can go in walk around like observe and be like whoa like so torn dawn and then go home and i'll sex with your partner like completely fine or you can like sit down ask if you can join and you can join so like there's just so many things you can do but it's a great night out and the thing that i love most about erotic parties is it's safe you have to apply to go like you can't just show up

Dr. Brighten: food doing background checks

Dr. Tara: 

[0:50:29]

[0:50:59]

well i don't know if they do full background checks in an fbi level but like you have to apply so you have to like use your id and apply to go mh so when you go like you know everyone in there has applied to come here and they are legitimate people and they won't do anything that's dangerous or non consensual because like we will all know so in fact here's the fact sex parties are safer the nightclubs interesting way safer like you got roof feet people get roof feet all the time at nightclubs clubs you would never have that in a sex party because everyone's vetted and it's so safe and consent is a huge thing it's the safest place for women

Dr. Brighten: 

[0:51:29]

yeah it was very interesting because as you talk about this it brings up how often bd is vi and it's something that when i was getting my sex certification it it's so interesting learning about how neuro people gravitate towards dd and kin and the reasons are consent is always central mh it it is the most consensual acts where conversations are had up front at expectations are laid out of front

Dr. Tara: just even in paperwork

Dr. Brighten: 

[0:51:59]

[0:52:30]

yeah and everything is kept really really safe and it's something that you know even whenever i bring it out people are just like no that's dangerous and you know bad it's weird down and it's like well actually for a lot of people it's the safest form of sa because of how everything is approached it's not just you roll in and some like if somebody's like grabbing your hair and tying you up and you never said okay to that that's assault that is not the same as v or or in the king camp altogether but i think it's really important for people to understand the protections that are in place here because i think what you see in the media and what gets spun isn't the actual truth of what is that at it those interesting busy because i was surprised at how many people you really go to sex parties and then i was like wait i had multiple roommates over the years like all through college who went to sex parties and i'm like and i'm like what is i think what does it say about me probably that i was like a laid back person that they were like yeah i can live with her because she's not gonna be judging i'm my god there you're not in my myspace doesn't involve me some like yeah

Dr. Tara: 

[0:53:00]

yeah i think that means a lot having ally friends is really important i have quite a few of my close friends that would not you know partake anything like that they're not they're they're completely mono they they have very different sex life from me but at the same time respect what i do interested in in hearing because it's like oh juicy drama or golf they they just think it's fun to hear like watching a movie yeah but it's just like great to have friends that are allies mh yeah it's like lgbtq right like like coming out as a kinky person as a non mono person it is scary because the world doesn't accept it yet so for me like coming out that way like having ally friends is really important

Dr. Brighten: 

[0:53:30]

mh yeah i wanna ask you your erotic solutions your sexual profile in the book you head out to write this book if couples are applying what is in there what is your forecast three to five years of their relationship but they're really putting in the work that you outlined in your book what could they experience

Dr. Tara: 

[0:54:01]

they will feel more sexually connected to one another than they have ever felt because there's a lot of activities on there and you're if you're actually putting in the effort to do them you will feel extremely connected and that will fuel every other part of your life like your skin will look better your hair will better your health will be better because we know a good sex life contribute so better immune system better physical health better mental health you you also as a person will feel significantly more confident walking into any room taking out space because you know who you are and you can use that sexual energy to your advantage

Dr. Brighten: 

[0:54:31]

well i know what a labor love it is to write a book write the fan hashtag book and i wanna say thank you so much for that and for taking the time to chat with us today

Dr. Tara: thank you so much that this has been like an orgasm experience

Dr. Brighten: oh wow yeah

Dr. Tara: highest praise you an amazing interviewer i love this podcast

Dr. Brighten: oh well thank you so much awesome yeah oh yes oh shoot yes i got alright

Dr. Tara: that's a good yes oh my god wait

Dr. Brighten: 

[0:55:03]

you have to do a open video yes oh it's so recording yes i got you yes what

Dr. Tara: clutter oh my that's so cool oh my god i have obsessed

Dr. Brighten: so this is one of my wishes from from my husband that i was like i want you to get me a necklace that says clear it and so he got me that for christmas and then so many people complimented it that i was like we just have to order a whole lot i have the eyes i sell them on my website but i also gift them to like people

Dr. Tara: 

[0:55:33]

like us if you're listening you go buy it on her website right now the best christmas gift christmas is coming

Dr. Brighten: but literally that was a christmas gift i was writing my book is this normal and i was like this is i just wanna necklace list that says clear so when anyone asks me about it then i have an opportunity to talk to them about appropriate female anatomy oh my god i'm obsessed literate so now i go to parties and every man knows what vol is

Dr. Tara: 

[0:56:04]

and yes yes you girl you educate them i'm like trying to wear this

Dr. Brighten: i applied you remembered look at you buying these scales but also remembering

Dr. Tara: literate necklace like thank you so much yes for sure yeah

Dr. Brighten: well thank you this is oh oh i don't think i clipped it it's hard with nails

Dr. Tara: yeah it is hard yes

Dr. Brighten: are your nails are those real

Dr. Tara: highs my nails

Dr. Brighten: yeah they're so

Dr. Tara: 

[0:56:34]

i insane nails like it's ever since i was like a teenager of always like little long nails and i think it's probably because i take vitamins yeah they like they are really strong

Dr. Brighten: no i take a a prenatal and people was like how are you are you gonna have it on a

Dr. Tara: baby

Dr. Brighten: no