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From the outside, success often looks effortless. A successful career. National television. Confidence under pressure. But for many autistic women, what looks like confidence is actually constant masking—the exhausting process of suppressing natural autistic traits to meet society's expectations.
In this episode of The Dr. Brighten Show, Dr. Jolene Brighten sits down with MasterChef UK contestant Vanessa D'Souza for an honest conversation about autism, ADHD, sensory processing, masking, burnout, and what really happened behind the scenes during one of the most demanding experiences of her life.
Rather than focusing on cooking, this episode reveals what millions of women experience every day: navigating a world that rewards high achievement while overlooking the invisible work required to function within it.
Whether you're autistic yourself, suspect you may be neurodivergent, love someone who is, or work with women in healthcare, this conversation offers valuable insight into why autism often goes unrecognized in women—and why understanding accommodations can change lives.
What You'll Learn About High-Masking Autism in Women
In this episode of The Dr. Brighten Show, you'll discover:
- Why MasterChef became the perfect storm for autistic burnout.
- The surprising reason looking successful doesn't mean someone isn't disabled.
- Why so many women receive an autism diagnosis decades later than men.
- How high masking can leave someone appearing calm while their nervous system is overwhelmed.
- Why sensory differences affect far more than food preferences.
- The accommodations Vanessa wishes she had known to ask for before competing.
- How uncertainty—not failure—became one of the most stressful parts of filming.
- Why many autistic women feel they must make themselves smaller instead of asking for help.
- The hidden relationship between autism, ADHD, and perfectionism.
- Why success sometimes comes because of accommodations—not despite them.
- How seemingly small changes, like separating food textures, can dramatically improve eating experiences.
- What autistic burnout actually looks like—and why recovery may take months, not days.
- Why invisible disabilities continue to be misunderstood despite increasing public awareness.
High-Masking Autism in Women: Why Success Can Hide Disability
One of the most powerful messages throughout this conversation is that autism in women often doesn't look the way people expect.
Many women become experts at observing social interactions, memorizing behavioral patterns, and carefully rehearsing responses long before they ever receive a diagnosis.
This process, known as masking, allows them to appear socially successful while requiring enormous cognitive and emotional effort.
Vanessa describes spending months on MasterChef constantly preparing for every possible scenario. If she wasn't physically cooking, she was mentally rehearsing recipes, predicting competition formats, creating contingency plans, and managing an overwhelming amount of sensory input.
The audience saw a talented contestant.
What they didn't see was the tremendous neurological workload happening behind the scenes.
This distinction matters because one of the most persistent myths about autism is that someone who appears successful—or even exceptional—cannot be autistic.
The opposite may be true.
Many autistic women become highly successful precisely because they spend years developing sophisticated compensatory strategies. Yet those same strategies often come at a significant cost to mental and physical health.
The episode challenges listeners to rethink what disability looks like.
Success does not erase disability.
Often, it conceals it.
Autism, ADHD, and the Cost of Constant Masking
Masking involves consciously or unconsciously suppressing autistic behaviors while performing behaviors considered socially acceptable.
For many late-diagnosed women, masking becomes so automatic that they no longer recognize where their authentic personality ends and learned behavior begins.
Throughout the conversation, Vanessa explains that she had been diagnosed with autism before filming MasterChef, but she still didn't understand what that diagnosis actually meant for her daily life.
Receiving the diagnosis answered one question:
“Why have I always felt different?”
But it didn't answer the next question:
“Now what?”
That experience resonates with many women who receive a diagnosis in adulthood.
Without education, support, or practical guidance, a diagnosis can feel validating while still leaving someone unsure how to advocate for themselves.
Vanessa reflects that if she competed today, she would ask for different accommodations—not because she wanted an unfair advantage, but because she now understands her needs.
That realization represents an important shift from self-judgment toward self-understanding.
Sensory Processing Differences Extend Far Beyond Food
Although food plays a central role in the episode because of Vanessa's culinary background, the discussion expands into a broader conversation about sensory processing.
She explains that certain food combinations become difficult not because of taste, but because of texture.
Separating components on a plate, controlling the ratio of foods, using specific utensils, or eating with her hands provides important sensory information that helps her brain prepare for each bite.
These adaptations aren't preferences.
They're accommodations.
The conversation also explores sensitivity to:
- Bright lights
- Loud sounds
- Crowded environments
- Unexpected changes
- Touch
- Food textures
- Wet foods
- Specific utensils
- Physical contact with certain ingredients
For healthcare providers and parents, this distinction is especially important.
What appears to be “picky eating” may actually reflect legitimate sensory processing differences rather than behavioral challenges.
Understanding that difference can fundamentally change how families support autistic children—and adults.
Autistic Burnout Is More Than Feeling Stressed
Perhaps the most emotionally powerful section of the episode centers on autistic burnout.
Following months of intense filming, Vanessa describes needing complete isolation.
She didn't want to cook, to socialize, or to speak to anyone.
Instead, recovery involved honoring her nervous system through solitude, quiet, reduced sensory input, and allowing herself permission to rest without guilt.
This experience differs significantly from everyday stress.
Autistic burnout reflects prolonged neurological overload, often resulting from sustained masking, chronic sensory demands, and exceeding personal capacity for extended periods.
Recovery may require weeks—or even months.
Recognizing burnout early may help prevent more severe physical and emotional consequences.
Invisible Accommodations Are Often the Difference Between Surviving and Thriving
One of the most eye-opening conversations in this episode is the idea that accommodations are often invisible. When people see a successful entrepreneur, a television contestant, or someone who appears socially confident, they rarely see the systems supporting that success.
Dr. Brighten shares that many people view her career and accomplishments without realizing the accommodations she has intentionally built into her life. Having support at home, relying on an executive assistant, and creating structured systems aren't signs of weakness—they're strategies that allow her to work with her neurodivergent brain rather than constantly against it.
Vanessa reflects on the accommodations she unknowingly created for herself during MasterChef. Whenever filming paused, she searched for quiet places where she could regulate her nervous system. She mentally rehearsed every possible challenge, studied previous seasons to identify patterns, and developed contingency plans for situations she couldn't predict. She wasn't looking for an advantage over other contestants; she was trying to reduce the neurological load created by constant uncertainty.
Perhaps the most important lesson is that accommodations don't give autistic people an unfair advantage. They reduce unnecessary barriers so individuals can demonstrate their actual abilities. Just as a person with impaired vision benefits from wearing glasses, autistic people often perform best when their environments acknowledge how their brains process information.
Understanding this distinction can transform conversations in workplaces, schools, and healthcare settings. Rather than asking whether someone is “autistic enough” to deserve accommodations, the better question becomes: What support would allow this person to perform at their highest potential while protecting their well-being?
MasterChef Became a Real-Life Case Study in Neurodiversity
For viewers watching from home, MasterChef is a cooking competition built around creativity, technical skill, and composure under pressure. For Vanessa, it became an intensive lesson in how environments can either support or overwhelm a neurodivergent brain.
The challenge wasn't cooking.
Cooking had always been a source of joy, creativity, and comfort.
The challenge was everything surrounding the cooking.
Long filming days, bright studio lights, loud production environments, unpredictable schedules, unfamiliar kitchens, constant social interaction, and the expectation that contestants would rapidly adapt to changing circumstances all combined to create an environment that demanded continuous nervous system regulation.
One of the most revealing moments in the conversation comes when Vanessa explains that she wasn't crying because of criticism from the judges or disappointment in her cooking. Instead, she was overwhelmed by uncertainty.
Not knowing what challenge was coming next.
Not knowing where filming would take place.
Not knowing how to mentally prepare.
For many autistic people, uncertainty dramatically increases cognitive load. While some individuals enjoy spontaneity, others rely on predictability to regulate stress and preserve executive functioning. This difference helps explain why two people can experience the exact same environment in completely different ways.
Looking back, Vanessa says she would advocate for herself differently today. Rather than trying to appear as though she needed no additional support, she would communicate her needs clearly. She wouldn't ask for an easier competition or advance knowledge of the cooking challenges. She would simply ask for information that would allow her nervous system to prepare.
That distinction is important because it reframes accommodations as tools that promote equity rather than special treatment.
Redefining Autism in Women
For many years, autism was viewed primarily through the lens of young boys who displayed outwardly recognizable behaviors. As researchers have expanded their understanding of autism, it has become increasingly clear that many girls and women present differently.
This episode illustrates why so many women remain undiagnosed until adulthood.
Rather than displaying obvious social differences, many autistic women become exceptional observers. They study conversations, memorize social expectations, rehearse interactions, and learn to camouflage traits that might otherwise draw attention.
Over time, these learned behaviors can become so automatic that even the individual herself no longer recognizes where masking ends and authentic behavior begins.
This can make diagnosis particularly complex.
A woman may have built a successful career.
She may maintain relationships.
She may excel academically.
She may appear calm and composed in public.
Yet privately, she may require extensive recovery after social events, feel overwhelmed by sensory input, struggle with unexpected changes, and experience repeated cycles of exhaustion that others never witness.
The conversation between Dr. Brighten and Vanessa challenges the outdated assumption that autism always presents in one recognizable way. Instead, it highlights autism as a spectrum of experiences that can look dramatically different from one individual to another.
Why Late Diagnosis Can Be Both Liberating and Overwhelming
Receiving an autism diagnosis later in life often brings profound relief. Many women describe finally having language for experiences that previously felt confusing or isolating.
Suddenly, lifelong sensory sensitivities make sense.
The need for routine becomes understandable.
Burnout takes on new meaning.
Even childhood memories can be viewed through an entirely different lens.
Yet diagnosis also introduces new questions.
Vanessa explains that after receiving her diagnosis, she found herself wondering what came next. No one hands you a guidebook explaining how to identify your accommodations, communicate your needs, or begin unmasking after decades of adapting to other people's expectations.
That journey takes time.
It requires curiosity, self-compassion, and often a willingness to question beliefs that have been reinforced for years.
One of the most empowering messages from this episode is that self-understanding is an ongoing process. Knowing you're autistic doesn't instantly solve every challenge, but it can provide a framework for making decisions that honor your nervous system rather than continually pushing past its limits.
Success Shouldn't Require Sacrificing Your Nervous System
Perhaps the greatest takeaway from this conversation is that achievement and well-being should not exist in opposition to one another.
Too often, society celebrates resilience without asking what someone had to endure in order to appear resilient.
The audience saw Vanessa compete on one of the world's most recognized cooking shows.
They didn't see the hours spent preparing for every possible scenario.
They didn't see the sensory overload.
They didn't see the burnout that followed.
Likewise, many autistic women move through life accomplishing remarkable things while privately carrying an extraordinary cognitive and emotional burden.
This episode invites listeners to redefine success.
Rather than measuring achievement solely by outward accomplishments, it encourages us to ask whether our lives are sustainable. Are we honoring our nervous systems? Are we creating environments where we can thrive instead of simply survive?
Those questions matter not only for autistic individuals but for anyone striving to build a healthier, more compassionate relationship with themselves.
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Links Mentioned in This Episode
- Vanessa D'Souza’s Instagram: @the.autistic.chef
- Vanessa D’Souza’s Website: vanessadsouza.co.uk
- MasterChef UK’s Instagram: @masterchefuk
- ADHD & Women by Dr. Jolene Brighten
Frequently Asked Questions
High-masking autism refers to consciously or unconsciously hiding autistic traits to meet social expectations. While masking may help someone blend into social or professional settings, it often requires tremendous mental effort and can contribute to chronic stress and autistic burnout.
Many women learn to camouflage autistic traits from childhood by observing social interactions and imitating expected behaviors. Because traditional diagnostic criteria were largely developed using studies of boys, autism in women has historically been underrecognized.
Autistic burnout is a state of profound physical, emotional, and cognitive exhaustion caused by prolonged masking, chronic sensory overload, and exceeding one's neurological capacity over time. Recovery often requires significant rest, reduced sensory demands, and supportive accommodations.
Yes. Many autistic individuals build successful careers, businesses, and creative pursuits. However, success does not eliminate disability or the need for accommodations. Outward achievement may hide the tremendous effort required to maintain that level of performance.
Not necessarily. Sensory processing differences can affect how textures, temperatures, smells, and food combinations are experienced. What appears to be picky eating may actually reflect genuine neurological differences in sensory perception.
Keeping foods separate allows greater control over texture and predictability. Mixing foods may create sensory experiences that are uncomfortable or overwhelming, whereas eating components individually can make meals significantly more manageable.
Accommodations vary from person to person but may include predictable schedules, quieter workspaces, clear communication, flexible routines, recovery time after social interactions, sensory supports, written instructions, and structured planning.
Yes. Increasing awareness of how autism presents in women has led many adults to pursue evaluations later in life after years of feeling different without understanding why.
Yes. Autism and ADHD frequently co-occur. Individuals may experience characteristics of both conditions, including executive function challenges, sensory differences, attention regulation difficulties, and unique patterns of thinking and learning.
If this conversation resonates with you, consider speaking with a healthcare professional who has experience evaluating autism in adults, particularly autism in women. Understanding your neurological profile can help you identify accommodations and strategies that support long-term health and well-being.
Dr. Jolene Brighten is a board-certified naturopathic endocrinologist, a Fellow of the American Board of Naturopathic Endocrinology (FABNE), a Menopause Society Certified Practitioner (MSCP), a nutrition scientist, and a certified sex counselor through the Sexual Health Alliance. As a licensed physician maintaining an active DEA license and full prescriptive authority, her educational frameworks align with leading global standards, including ESHRE and The Menopause Society. She serves as a faculty member for the American Academy of Anti-Aging Medicine (A4M), acts as the Lead Researcher for the Brighten Essentials Research Division, and is currently directing ongoing scientific research initiatives to advance clinical care standards for women navigating complex endocrinology, neurodivergence, and tissue-specific hormone sensitivities.
Vanessa D’Souza is The Autistic Chef, a MasterChef UK 2023 semi-finalist, speaker and consultant. She is autistic and ADHD, with sensory processing differences, and is known for her lived experience and brutally honest conversations about neurodivergent women and life. Diagnosed before becoming a mother, Vanessa brings a rare perspective on turning 40, pregnancy, postpartum and breastfeeding hormone shifts — and how those changes can dismantle long-standing coping mechanisms. She speaks openly about the intersection of midlife, motherhood and late-diagnosed neurodivergence.
Transcript
[00:00:00] Talk to me about the MasterChef experience.
Quite honestly, horrendous.
Did you know that you were autistic and ADHD before going on MasterChef?
I had my autism diagnosis a year before filming the show, but I had no understanding of what that actually meant for me. MasterChef
UK semifinalist, Vanessa de Sousa, stepped into one of television's toughest competitions.
What happened behind the pressure, the competition, and the kitchen chaos is the story you haven't heard yet.
What kinds of comments were you getting on social media?
Awful comments. They don't see the amount of work that's needed to mask to show up. Society has made me mask so hard that my autism isn't apparent to most of the population.
Were the judges understanding of your situation?
I don't feel like they were supportive at all.
If MasterChef was to ask you on today, would you go?
Talk to me about the MasterChef experience.
Quite honestly, horrendous.
[00:01:00] Mm-hmm.
I probably wouldn't do it again if I had the hindsight that I have now. It was a period of four months of my life of very intense high masking every day, long hours, 18-hour days, and then I went into extreme burnout. And I'm very, very grateful that I left the show when I did because I probably would've hit extreme burnout that I wouldn't have recovered from.
Mm-hmm.
And we got on a plane, we flew to the Maldives, and I said, "I do not want to cook or see people for the rest of the year."
Mm-hmm.
And it worked. That's the only thing that pulled me back. It's also difficult for me because I have a photographic memory. That, along with the lack of synaptic pruning that autistic and ADHDers have, everything is there for life.
Mm-hmm.
Um, it was a lot.
Did you know that you were autistic and ADHD before going on MasterChef?
Yes. Uh, not ADHD. I had my autism diagnosis a year before filming the [00:02:00] show. Uh, but I had no understanding of what that actually meant for me, you know? You're handed this piece of paper to say, "Yeah, congratulations, you're autistic."
What does that mean?
Yeah.
You know? Like, where is the manual that teaches you this is how you need to unpick this diagnosis?
Yeah. What next?
Yeah. What do you do with it? The one thing, the one thing that I'm very grateful, my postpartum experience has allowed me to be more honest about things. So before, I used to still mask in situations where I'm like, I think, 'cause I've learnt via experiences and pattern recognition, that this is not socially acceptable.
But now, postpartum, 'cause I don't have that capacity, I will call people out on things now. Mm. I will say, "I do not understand what you mean." People don't like it.
No, it's like the most insulting thing.
It is.
It's like you're attacking them.
It is, but it works.
Yeah.
I need plans. It doesn't need to be structured, but I kinda need some sort of loose plan.
And [00:03:00] actually, it's really quite liberating when you call people out on things now. Mm-hmm. And I say, "This doesn't work for me. I don't have capacity to do this. I don't know what you mean. I'm being honest. Accept it or don't accept it. It's fine."
Do you feel like MasterChef would've been accommodating to you had they known?
I mean, they did know, but I think they were as accommodating as they could be in a competition.
Mm-hmm.
I also didn't know my needs in order to ask for them back then.
Yeah.
I also didn't wanna feel like I'm at a disadvantage. I also didn't wanna feel like I'm cheating. So I put myself on the same level playing field as everybody else-
Mm-hmm
when I, in reality, I'm not.
What accommodations did they offer you?
Uh, in reality, not many. There were many challenges where you don't know where you're going, you don't know what your challenge would be, you don't know- Anything. But it gave me a platform to talk about autism and ADHD. So many people felt [00:04:00] validated by me going on and being honest about my sensory issues when it comes to food.
Mm-hmm.
You know, the fact that I will go crazy if some foods touch.
What else were, did you
talk about? It's not all food that's touching, it's just certain ones. So for example, rice and curry. Culturally, I've been brought up on rice and curry. I love rice, I love curry, but only I can let those meet. If somebody puts the curry on top of my rice, it's game over.
Mm-hmm.
I need them separate and I need to mix them In a ratio that works for my palate.
Mm-hmm.
So often I will use a s- small spoon. Spoons are also very important to me as a neurodivergent person. Um- There's
only one right spoon for
people- Correct ...
listening. And there's only one right spoon.
Exactly. Um, and yeah, that's, that's the only way I can survive.
I'm very lucky that in Indian culture specifically, there are so many kind of like divider plates are the norm.
Mm-hmm.
Tiffins, separated things are the norm. So I had so many [00:05:00] coping mechanisms without even realizing they were coping mechanisms. But, um, yeah, my husband, he is a mixer.
Yeah.
And that doesn't work for me.
Yeah, as you say that, I'm like... A- as you said, "Oh, in Indian culture," I'm like, yeah, it was actually at an Indian restaurant was the first time I saw the metal dividing plates. Yeah. And I went and found them online. That's so interesting, I didn't make that connection- Yeah ... until just now. So, so you're on MasterChef.
You're like, "I don't like my foods to touch." What other things did you share with people that felt validating for them?
I was very honest about why I was putting certain things together. So I deconstructed a lot of things, and deconstruction is like the number one no on MasterChef because it's like, "Why are you deconstructing things?
You're meant to put the meal together." But actually, sometimes deconstruction is the only way I can eat. So I made an apple crumble where I cook the apple and the crumble separately, because I hate that layer in the middle where it's mushed.
Mm.
Um, but actually people found that my tips were very helpful [00:06:00] because, for example, I can't eat salads.
They're too much of a sensory issue for me. Wet lettuce, wet tomatoes, the seeds popping out, et cetera. But I make things tolerable by adding crunchy... Crunchy foods are very safe for me.
Mm-hmm.
And so finding hacks like putting Bombay mix or crushed-up crisps into foods that aren't great textures for me works, 'cause there's some form of familiarity.
Mm-hmm.
Um, and just saying that on national TV, I think was validating for so many people out there, and really helped parents understand what their children might be going through. Mm-hmm. Because they don't at this moment. And sometimes their children can't communicate. I explained why I preferred eating with spoons sometimes over cutlery, sometimes why eating with my hands was more appropriate than using cutlery, because it gives my brain a heads-up as to the textures and the sensory beforehand.
Um, [00:07:00] and it's wild because in the UK that episode was aired, and it was a brief that was, you know, cook any food that you eat with your hands. And to most neurotypical people, that meant pizza, canapes, hot dogs. For me, that was rice and curry. Mm. Culturally, that's very normal for us.
Yes.
To England, it wasn't, and that blew up as a whole- cultural thing that no one understood.
Mm-hmm. You can't eat rice and curry with your hands. Yes, you can. Yeah, so it's just a lack of understanding. Um, and it, I guess the cross-section of people that watch MasterChef UK was not very neuro affirming at all, unfortunately. So, uh, it resonated with the people it needed to- Mm-hmm ... but not the majority that watched MasterChef.
Did
you get backlash?
A lot.
Really?
A lot, yeah.
Like, what?
I, I mean, I didn't go online for about a year after MasterChef.
What? Why? Yeah. Because you had the audacity to eat with your hands?
Yeah, just people didn't understand autism and how it was presented on MasterChef, because for [00:08:00] them it's very stereotypical.
Well, she can't be autistic, she's going on TV.
Mm-hmm.
You know? Or it's the whole wokeism, you know, she's talking about autism because it's cool. You know? It's fashionable now. Um, and it's, it's almost, to some it was a tick box. It was like, oh, she's Brown, she's autistic, that's why she's on the show.
Mm-hmm.
That's why she got as far as she did, and in reality it was hard work and a, a, you know, a lot of strain.
Well, also you have to have skill. Of course. And the skill's evident on TV, but I think it's always easy for people, uh, to see somebody rising above their disability and then be like, "Well, you must have not been disabled, because, see, you're able to do this" To do it.
Um, and yet this doesn't happen with physical disabilities, disabilities that you can see. This only happens with invisible disabilities. Yes. Do you feel like you, things could've been done differently on MasterChef, like in retrospect to shine a more positive light on this? Or do you think it would've been received the same either way?
Yes, I think, [00:09:00] though, I was the first person to be open about their autism on MasterChef UK, so I'm not sure if production really understood how that would land with their audience. So I was almost the litmus test. Mm-hmm. And then they realized, actually, this is a great thing, and so then contestants every year since have been very honest.
And I won't be surprised if there'll be a neurodivergent winner very soon that actually really is open and honest about it. 'Cause I think there have been autistic people, ADHDers in the past, that have not disclosed their neurodivergence- Mm ... because they thought it would hinder them.
What kinds of comments were you getting on social media?
Awful comments. Um, especially from parents of neurodivergent kids- Mm ... that may be level three, of- It's not the autism that they see in their house. Mm-hmm. So therefore it doesn't, my autism doesn't exist.
Yeah.
Um, and, and to your point, they don't see my accommodations. They don't see the amount [00:10:00] of work that's needed to mask, to show up in the level one way that they are seeing.
But also, they have no sort of recollection of my childhood. I was not a level one child, that's for sure.
Mm-hmm.
Society has made me mask so hard that my autism isn't apparent to most of the population.
Yeah. Let me ask you, with MasterChef, you undoubtedly were making your own accommodations- Mm ... without probably even realizing it.
What kind of accommodations were you making for yourself so that you could show up and mask? Because that takes a great deal of energy.
I would use every single ounce of time that I could to be alone-
Mm ...
even whilst filming, in the toilet, quiet spot in the corner. I would then have to have a strategy or multiple strategies for every single episode or what I thought would come.
So I, because I have a photographic memory, would study every [00:11:00] single, um, past series and then work out what I think is going to happen, how many people are gonna go. Do I think that there's going to be a surprise challenge in this? If there is a surprise challenge, will it be a larder challenge where there's a whole room worth of stuff and I have to pick things and cook them?
Do I have something in terms of a strategy prepared for when I go into a room that I don't get overwhelmed, that I just pick one corner and I pick only three items from that corner, 'cause I know I can cook. So it's almost better for me to have a cloche where you pick up and we all have the same items and they're picked for me.
It's almost worse when you have a room full of ingredients and you've got to pick this, right? Mm-hmm. Um, so it's strategies for everything. Um- And then I just needed a lot of downtime in the evenings. Not that you have much of, uh, uh, of an evening after filming. But to decompress, sit in a dark room with no light, have a takeaway.
My diet in the four months of filming basically was living on takeaways. [00:12:00] It was the worst. You're cooking amazing food on the show, and you're coming home and you're eating a Domino's pizza. Yeah. It's awful.
Do you feel like the other contestants were understanding about your situation?
No, I actually think they thought I was a psychopath because I needed...
Like, there was one episode where it was obvious two people had to go because of the amount of people that need to be in the next stage, and they were like, "Do you have inside information?" Like, "How do you know two people..." Uh, for me, it's so obvious- Yeah ... because I've already done the calculation. But it's wild to me that contestants are going in and they're literally only focusing on this current challenge- Mm
because that's how their brain works. I can't live like that.
Yeah.
So, um, yeah, I mean, I, I probably only am in touch with two people from the whole of the show.
Mm-hmm.
Um, because they're the only ones that really understand my brain.
Were the judges understanding of your situation?
Uh, well, I, I'm not sure if [00:13:00] you'll know much about this, but, um, we had two judges at the time.
One judge was very, very, um... He received a lot of complaints. Uh, I, I complained about him. He was extremely ableist. Uh, and it's ironic 'cause he had an autistic son. He was then fired from the show, and now it transpires that he is autistic, and now he's coming out saying, "Oh, I should've been more understanding.
I wish- Yeah ... I understood how my brain worked." But actually, in reality, when I was saying this, you didn't care. I don't feel like they were supportive at all.
You shouldn't have to be the collateral in their inability to be honest with themselves.
Indeed.
Yeah. Indeed. So that judge got fired. How was the other judge around things?
Uh, in fairness, he was great, but I mean, you don't, you have very little interaction with the judges other than at judging.
Mm-hmm. And then how about, like, the producers, the staff, and everything? Were there, you know, were there times that you feel like they kinda forgot you were autistic and would, like, were just like, "No, just plug through.
Keep going"?
Um, [00:14:00] no, I think that's mainly my fault because I mask so hard that I didn't show anyone that I needed help, 'cause that was easier.
Mm-hmm.
That was easier. The journey of unmasking and unpicking that late diagnosis- It, it, it's not even years. Like, I'm five years in now and I still feel like I haven't got there.
Mm-hmm.
So, um, I never thought that I'd be on that journey or I'd be anywhere near it a year later when I started filming. But, um, I think it would be a very different story if I was on MasterChef now. Um, the level of awareness that I have now for my needs is much better. Um-
What would it look like now if you were on MasterChef?
I'd be very honest about I n- I, uh, these are things I need. I need to know where I'm going. I'm not at a disadvantage by knowing where we're going. I'm not asking for the cheat code- Mm-hmm ... of what this challenge would be. But I just felt like I couldn't be a burden, and I feel like a lot of late diagnosed autistic women will probably say the same thing.
I don't wanna be a burden. Mm-hmm. I don't wanna... I have to make myself smaller and make the accommodations so [00:15:00] somebody else doesn't have to, and that mindset has shifted.
Uh-huh. And what made you decide to go on MasterChef?
Well, it was always a dream. I love cooking, and I wanted to be on the show before I was 40.
You know, everyone has goals. Mm-hmm. Uh, and my goal was to maybe be on the show before I was 40, and I didn't expect to be on the show the first time round, so I thought it would take many years of applications because it's a tough process. Um, it's very competitive, like thousands of people apply. I didn't think I'd be successful, and I don't know whether that's just like, you know, the RSD in me thinking, "Oh, I'll never get it.
I'm not good enough." It all happens for a reason.
Was there ever a time when you were on this TV show that you were, you said something that was received wrong, or you look back and you're like, "I really wish I, they had held grace for me being autistic before I had made that statement"?
Actually, no. I was so highly masked.
Wow.
I didn't allow that to happen.
Yeah.
And I think that's why I hit such severe burnout after feeling, uh, after filming because you can't live your [00:16:00] life in that state for a prolonged period. Mm-hmm. It was three and a half months.
And after that, you jumped on a plane. Yeah. You said not cooking for a year.
Yeah. But what did burnout rec- well, let's start with what did burnout look like for you, and then we'll talk about the recovery.
I couldn't see anyone. I could not see anyone. I didn't wanna talk to anybody. Um, I took time off work, uh, for the rest of the year actually, so that was almost a month where I didn't see anyone.
I didn't talk to anybody. I just needed to be somewhere that was by the sea-
Mm ...
that was calm, that had sunshine. I needed vitamin D and somebody to bring me a piña colada, and to bring me good food. Um, and then from January onwards, I just took the time to be kind to myself, and it worked. It was a six-month process where it took a lot to get back to myself.
I didn't know how to regulate myself after such severe be- 'cause I, historically, I would always stop before I could let myself get to that level. [00:17:00] But in a competition you couldn't.
Mm-hmm.
Unless you just walk out and leave, and I haven't worked and masked this hard to just leave of my own choice.
Yeah.
So, um, I had to just push past it.
And what does being kind to yourself actually look like?
At the time, honoring my needs. Um, obviously don't have that luxury anymore because, uh, a little gremlin is ruling, uh, my schedule . But, um, baths for me help me regulate, even though I have sensory issues when it comes to water, baths help me regulate.
You know, weighted blankets and me time, alone time, not seeing anyone, not leaving the house, pajama time. Mm-hmm. You can relate to that. That's, that's how I regulate.
Sometimes the most productive way to heal is to do nothing.
Yes. Yes.
If MasterChef was to ask you on today, would you go?
No.
Oh, really?
I couldn't do it to myself with the knowledge and the hindsight that I [00:18:00] have.
And is it because of just how deteriorating the whole process was for your mind and your body? Or is it also because you're a mom and you're like, "I have someone else to be providing for"?
I think it's both- Mm-hmm ... but I think if I wasn't a mom, I would still say no, because I, I don't believe that production of television for that period of time, you know, long time, is set up for neurodivergent people-
Mm-hmm
and the accommodations that we need.
Do you regret doing it?
No. Okay. I don't regret it because it has changed my trajectory. I talk about autism and ADHD now, which I never did before. When I have capacity, I will talk about food sensory issues a lot more, because that's so helpful to so many parents on my page.
Mm-hmm. Um, I have been part of many documentaries where- Just being honest about those sensitivities have helped thousands of people. I had 10,000 emails to say thank you to my, uh, website when I was on a show that explained why [00:19:00] fruits don't work for me. Mm-hmm. Like raspberries, and the seeds, and the hairs, 'cause I can feel each hair.
It's gross.
Mm-hmm. I wanna ask, as a chef, how have your sensory sensitivities impacted your relationship with food?
Uh, there's positives and negatives. There's some days where I can't touch certain ingredients, like raw chicken is just a no for me on some days. Um-
Chicken is my nemesis. You're speaking to the right person.
It's honestly one of the worst textures known to man, but I also have a lot of tactile, um, I need to wash my hands if it like... Anything, any time I touch something, I need to wipe off that sensory feeling. Uh, and that slows me down a lot. But having heightened senses makes me a great cook. I am a super taster, so my food is so full of flavor, it has so much nuance to it.
It makes me a great chef in that perspective. I also think the balance of the ADHD and the autism, where you need some sort of like ad libbing from the ADHD [00:20:00] perspective, but you also need some sort of structure from the autism, it's won- it's a wonderful combination for me personally.
Mm-hmm.
Um, along with the fact that that's my hyperfixation, I love it.
Could I do it as a full-time career and have a restaurant? Absolutely not. I know that that would send me over the edge. So having it as a, a hobby, a chef that dips in and out is, is something that works for me at, at present. I saw that with MasterChef, 'cause MasterChef gave me the insight to work in kitchens that I would never typically do.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, coming from a corporate background, and I realized very quickly that was not the environment for me. I think it also goes back to being kind to yourself, and kindness can come with letting go of that all or nothing mindset.
Well, thank you so much for taking the time to sit down with me today.
This has been a fantastic conversation. Is there anything you wanna leave our listeners with?
Thank you for listening to my story. Um, I think hopefully this will start the conversation for more women in the UK in particular to be more [00:21:00] honest about their postpartum experience.
Mm-hmm.